


déjà vu

by izayas



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Drama, High School, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2228391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[time travel!au] where in one universe they're lovers, in another they're enemies. if it’ll keep him alive, orihara izaya doesn’t mind being the bane of heiwajima shizuo’s life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. faucets and vacuums

_**chapter one** _ _: faucets and vacuums._

"Shizu-chan, didn't I tell you to vacuum?"

"It broke."

"...Did you pick up your socks before doing so?"

"..."

Izaya could see the way Shizuo tensed up as he sat on the couch. His long arms were stretched out over worn-in cushions, a wrist hanging with a remote grasped lightly. Legs bridged from his seat to the coffee table and ankles crossed over each other, a pile of magazines to the left and sunflower seeds to the right. An ashtray rested a bit away and Izaya moved so the glare of the sun wasn't blinding him, looking slightly amused as he stepped forward to muss Shizuo's hair. "It's fine. We'll buy another one."

Twenty-five-year old Orihara Izaya resided in an apartment with twenty-six-year old Heiwajima Shizuo that they compromised on. Izaya chose the building, so Shizuo chose the floor. Izaya chose the furniture, so Shizuo chose the positioning. Izaya chose the color scheme, so Shizuo got to decide they didn't need any paintings (which suited Izaya's minimalistic tastes well.) Izaya got to build his own library in one of the rooms, so Shizuo got to fill the refrigerator with milk. Izaya did the cooking and cleaning, so Shizuo did the repairs.

Despite his work as a bartender, Shizuo didn't keep a fully supplied bar in the cabinets of their kitchen. He'd bring home the odd bottle every now and then and Izaya favored the whiskey, but drank only on rare occasions, preferring the beer while Shizuo stayed loyal to a glass of milk. The times he switched to strawberry and banana, Izaya would murmur 'Shizu-chan's going wild tonight' and the man being teased would just glare and sip furiously.

"Do we have onions?" Izaya asked as he took a look at the table and frowned at the cigarette butts. He heard 'who knows' and sighed, picking up a garbage can and walking over. The slender male dropped to his knees and used a tissue to wipe the table clean and organize the magazines, setting them beneath the glass surface and tapped Shizuo's feet lightly. "Feet don't go on furniture, Shizu-chan."

"But I'm wearing socks."

"That doesn't mean your feet don't smell." Izaya glanced up and smirked to see Shizuo frowning again. "We're going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. You have a doctor's appointment too. Daily check up."

Shizuo's head shot up immediately and Izaya raised an eyebrow. "What?! I'm not goin' to the doctor! I feel fine!"

"Yes. That's why it's a check up. To ensure you continue to feel fine."

"I'll go when I feel sick!"

"Shizu-chan, have you ever heard of the phrase 'taking precautions'?"

"Of course I have! I'm not doin' it! I'll do them when I need to!"

"…That goes against the entire idea of taking precautions."

Leaving him to scowl at the television, Izaya stood to place the garbage can back in a corner between the kitchen counter and wall. He began to go through the cabinets to see what dry ingredients they had and the refrigerator for any produce, trying to decide on dinner and avoid take out or pizza. Fingers brushed over a pack of instant ramen and he hesitated for a moment, smiling slightly.

_Ramen had been the first meal we had together._

**ten years ago.**

_"Shizu-chan, do you like ramen?"_

_"…Why do you keep calling me that?"_

_Mouth opening, Izaya closed it again, taking a moment to collect himself before shrugging. The two walked into a rather upscale place and Izaya gave his name to the hostess, telling them it would be a few minutes for a table to clear up. He nodded and shifted a bit to fix the black backpack slung over one shoulder and turned to tell Shizuo._

_He didn't seem to hear; the boy was looking around with a frown that piqued Izaya's interest and he tilted his head, watching him curiously for a bit. Most high school students, usually girls, that he brought to this restaurant looked awed and impressed and 'of course' was his answer to 'you can really afford it here?' But Shizuo's expression showed a scowl, like he was annoyed, how dare Izaya bring him to a classy restaurant._

_But he kept that sarcasm quiet. "Is there a problem?"_

_"Why the hell are we here? Didn't you just say we were going to get ramen?" Shizuo asked and his scowl deepened, ignoring the raised eyebrows from the other waiting guests. Caught off guard, Izaya showed it only with a slight pause that Shizuo cut short when he picked up a menu, glanced at it and began shaking it angrily. "Oi! This place charges way too much for a bowl of ramen! I'm not forkin' over two weeks' worth of lunch money for this!"_

_Izaya blinked rapidly, a bit at loss as he watched Shizuo walk back out. He followed after him, steps hurried to catch up with the other's long strides. The glass door was slow to close behind him and autumn's cool air enveloped him rather quickly. "Shizu-chan," he said as he neared him, "I was going to pay. I asked you to a snack after school so—"_

_"Why are you wasting your money on overpriced shit like that?" Shizuo snapped, continuing to walk briskly and blond brow furrowed. "I'm starving, so let's go to some other place. I know one. It's good."_

_"Shizu-chan, I promise, the ramen there is good. My parents always bring me—"_

_"Well, be more open-minded, you spoiled little brat!"_

_Speechless again, Izaya stilled. But he regained his composure and followed Shizuo in silence. Their relationship was fragile; he had finally gotten Shizuo to agree to give him a chance to be decent (sending gangs after him didn't leave a favorable impression) and always good at reading people, Izaya knew that pushing the blond could break the single thread that Shizuo was willing to be linked to him by at the moment._

_They soon left the Ginza area that Izaya was familiar with and Shizuo led them down smaller roads until they were in a place that Izaya rarely went. Eyes looked around and he kept quiet, but he did walk a bit closer to him, to which Shizuo either didn't notice or chose to keep quiet about._

_He wouldn't classify himself and his family as the top of the tier when it came to social rank, but the Oriharas were comfortable, if not well off. Izaya was already well traveled by the time he entered middle school, had nannies make him lunches so his little nose never had to turn up at school cafeteria. His parents were absent often and tried to shower him, and eventually his sisters, with presents around birthdays and Christmas. Izaya hardly gave a passing glance to the latest model microscopes and autographed books his parents sent. His first few Christmases where he understood that it was typically a family holiday had his little bottom lip wobbling as he tried to not cry. But Izaya got used to it, and by the time his sisters were born, he had perfected his emotionless mask, assuring his parents that it was fine and he liked the chocolates (despite never eating them.) The money was never flaunted, but it did lead him to enjoy only the finer things that were presented to him._

_Before he could help it, his lips curled downwards at the bumpy sidewalk. The small shops and restaurants had signs that weren't nearly as minimalist and clean as he was used to seeing. He wasn't aware that hair salons still had the spinning barber's pole and he wondered why glass doors were propped open—was there no air conditioning? Flies buzzed around the fresh produce and Izaya wondered why they were just out in the open like that—wouldn't they spoil faster? He saw toys and little turtles in other tiny shops, little dark and dingy places, no bright lighting and well dressed girls to smile and welcome them._

_Izaya kept his mouth shut as Shizuo mumbled 'here' and stepped in, hand raising to move aside the panels of fabric, Izaya following. Warm, he thought immediately. It was warm and he could smell the ramen, which did smell delicious. The seat felt sticky when he sat down, a single bar in a very narrow restaurant, and he saw a door with a rusty knob at the back for the bathroom. The chefs were close but the kitchen didn't look as clean as he would've liked and he wished he'd brought hand sanitizer when he picked up the equally sticky menu, subconsciously resting his arms on napkins instead of directly on the counter._

_"Tonkotsu's pretty good. Broth's rich," Shizuo said. Looking over, his eyes narrowed and an elbow hit Izaya's arm, mumbling 'don't be an ass.'_

_Izaya frowned but hesitantly moved the napkins, gingerly resting his forearms against the counter. He eventually decided on one with a soy sauce base, asking for an extra egg. Shizuo ordered one with a tonkotsu broth and had a whole bunch of toppings, the bowl piled high when the chef himself presented the bowls to them._

_The proximity let him watch the entire cooking process, which Izaya found nice. He sat a bit straighter, paying the chef his entire and Shizuo watched, looking slightly amused. Their bowls were ready soon and he turned, setting them on top of the counter and both students took them, head bowing and words of gratitude murmured. Izaya's mouth was watering as he looked at his bowl, hardly hearing Shizuo's words as he broke his chopsticks apart, taking his first bite._

_"I know it's not your fancy place, but it's good here."_

_The aroma was enticing and Izaya was almost willing to burn his tongue for the second bite, not wanting to wait to cool the strands a bit. He ate ravenously, lifting the bowl to drink the broth and even asked for another bowl after, feeling Shizuo smirk a bit beside him. He used a spoon to try a bit of Shizuo's broth, saying that it was rich, and managed to finish his second serving. He couldn't remember the last time he had ramen that delicious, almost like his grandmother had made it (maybe even better) and stared at the bill, turning to Shizuo. "…Is this right?"_

_Shizuo stared at him and put down a few bills and Izaya followed suit a bit hesitantly. "Yeah."_

_"…I had two and it's less than half of—"_

_"I know. See why that place is overpriced bullshit?"_

_As they stood to leave, Shizuo waited outside while Izaya asked for a business card. Hands were in his pockets and a small half smile replaced the smirk on Shizuo's lips once they began to start walking to catch a bus back home. The sun was setting but the apprehension Izaya had felt earlier was gone and he even asked Shizuo to stop a few times so he could look at the small shops, buying a few pieces of fruit._

_"I mean, it's nothing like your… fancy… expensive as hell places. But it's like home. Expensive doesn't always mean the best." Shizuo began to find the silence they were walking in a bit unnerving and began talking, a hand waving and cheeks starting to turn red, as they always did when he was grasping at straws as to what to say._

_Nodding, Izaya looked into the bag and took out a peach to eat but Shizuo put a hand on it and frowned, mumbling 'oi, you still should wash it first.'_

_And that was the first time Izaya had genuinely laughed around him and Shizuo was surprised, staring for a bit. The other didn't seem to notice and kept walking, but Shizuo called out his name to stop him and Izaya turned around`. "…Shizu-chan?"_

_Shizuo held his hand out, fingers outstretched and palm facing up._

_"Let's hold hands."_

_Izaya blinked, carmine eyes catching the setting sun but he gave a faint smile and laced their fingers together._

_"Shizu-chan's sappy."_

_"Shut up, stupid pest…"_

**present**.

"I fixed the water faucet."

Eyes tearing away from the instant ramen, he closed the cabinet door. "Ah?"

"The water faucet," Shizuo repeated and raised a hand, waving it around. "That thing that you turn on for water. I fixed it."

He echoed 'ah' again and smiled gently with a nod. "Good."

Walking over, arms draped around his neck from the back and Izaya's lips pressed to his temple. Shizuo seemed to be watching some nature program and he murmured 'I need to stop by Shinra's' and pulled back after watching with him for a few moments. He reached a hand out to tousle his hair again before grabbing his keys, calling out 'I'll buy dinner' and closed the door, hearing a gruff 'come home safe.'

He was smiling until he was out of the apartment complex, expression back to neutral, eyes bright as they glanced around from time to time, looking at the people walking by and with him. _'Come back safe.'_ Shizuo said it every time, even if he stepped out for the mail. He even said it once when napping on the couch, mumbling the words in a sleepy slur and Izaya was so amused he waited for him to wake up to tell him before going out to run his errands.

It was cute. It reminded Izaya that Shizuo was his home. His childhood was composed of absent parents and professional nannies, a bit distant due to the formalities. He grew up a quiet and high achieving child and he wondered that if he had a twin, if he'd be like how Mairu and Kururi were. A little boy wasn't meant to take care of his sisters, but he did as much as he could; he could at least give them something of a family, his innocent mind thought, but it turned out they liked each other more than they liked him.

Middle school was Shinra. Middle school was a biology club, a drug ring, a stabbing. Middle school started his bad reputation and somehow, by some twist of fate, meeting Heiwajima Shizuo didn't flip it, but neutralized it. Shizuo didn't want to be his friend, especially not after Shinra's less-than-promising introduction. But Shizuo was interesting and Izaya persisted, even being on his best behavior. Shizuo wasn't Shinra. Shinra was cold, ambivalent, sort of like Izaya in the way he could push and pull, pulling when he needed to.

But Shizuo was constant warmth and the more Izaya realized that, the more he worked to solidify their friendship.

_Come back safe._

He'd never had someone that would remotely care if he was safe or not, but Shizuo cared every time he stepped out. He (tried) to remember birthdays and anniversaries, making small celebrations, occasionally did a textbook-cliché romantic gesture. It took him a while to figure out Izaya's tastes, but once he did, he knew to not make strawberry shortcake, opt for dark chocolate instead. He tried to learn how to make sushi but ended up buying it more often than not, kept the shelves stocked with coffee. He kept Izaya's things where they were and didn't suddenly change their toothpaste or shampoo without warning, reminding him to eat food and not just coffee when his work got busy.

_Come back safe._

Shizuo cared about his wellbeing in a way that made Izaya uncomfortable at first. Once their friendship solidified, he almost pulled away again at how warm he was, how good a friend he was. And then when they started dating, they almost broke up because Shizuo was hot and Izaya was cold, Shizuo was trusting and Izaya had boundaries and walls, an entire castle and moat with a bridge Shizuo had to build and cross himself.

Zipping up his fur trim coat, Izaya's hands rested in his pockets. One hand curled around his phone and the other around a flick blade he carried for protection. His job as a teaching assistant was one he barely managed to get. Despite more than qualifying grades, his record of skipping class and being a bit clever with professors didn't earn him any favorable recommendations. But despite that, every professor in the psychology admitted that Orihara Izaya could, in terms of knowledge and charisma, be an excellent teaching assistant.

His personality, though, was an issue, but they took a chance. And the students that were serious about their courses gave him excellent reviews, saying he knew what he was talking about, that he _seemed_ approachable, that he could answer any questions. But almost every single review added that in terms of one-on-one conversations, Orihara Izaya could be a bit scary, like he was analyze each and every one of his students.

The students also noticed that Izaya was much nicer, though still distant, when his boyfriend was around, but no one put that on the reviews.

Shinra's apartment was a subway ride away. Izaya blended in with the crowd of people going into the station, taking out a card and swiping it, waiting at the platform and slipping onto the train once it arrived. His hood was pulled up and he looked around, pretending to be inspecting the map of routes, but eyes darted from face to face.

A crying woman—break up?

A man rubbing his temple—job troubles?

A teenager listening to music—how boring.

Humans were endlessly fascinating, the human mind a complex enigma that he felt most people weren't capable of entirely embracing. Izaya had watched them since middle school and Shizuo muttered that it seemed to border on stalking a couple of times, but the raven brushed it off, murmuring that it was nothing to be concerned with.

The rigidity of school wasn't particularly exciting, but Izaya did well enough in high school to be accepted to Tokyo University and then did the bare minimum to stay in. He realized the resources and pros that university could offer outweighed the cons of having to attend. And with him, he ended up not having to attend very much; he resided off campus in an apartment with Shizuo for undergraduate years, showing up for only exam days and to hand in papers. Graduate school and beginning the early stages of his doctoral along with the teaching assistant position meant actually having to step foot on campus regularly, but Izaya was more or less fine with that. After all, classes of students meant people to observe and young adults had some of the most volatile mentalities.

Subway slowing to a stop, Izaya was among the last of the crowd to depart. As soon as the soles of his shoes met the platform, he matched the pace of the busy commuters around him, following a path he'd memorized to the apartment of his supposed best friend.

The chill nipped at his cheeks again; early February was still cold and Izaya smiled briefly when he saw the bakery he bought Shizuo's cake at just a week earlier. Next to it was the small shop Shizuo bought them matching sushi phone charms and then the arcade he and Shinra used to meet up at. Kishitani Shinra was twenty-five years old and in med school, bordering on dropping out and being an underground doctor. Izaya was all for it. Shizuo wasn't.

His knuckles rapped on Shinra's door soon, nodding to see a woman with a yellow cat-eyed helmet and in lilac pajamas. "Celty."

She held up her phone.

_Izaya._

Stepping aside, he could feel her eyes regard him a bit warily, looking over his shoulder to give her a smirk. "Ahh, Celty, relax. I'm not looking to give you another virus. The last one wasn't even meant for you… it was for Shinra. He just decided to forward the email to you. I didn't tell him to."

_I don't want you sending him viruses._

"And I don't want him to keep wanting to examine Shizu-chan, but the world's a cruel place, isn't it?"

_Only with you in it._

"Celty… you're so mean to me!"

"Izaya, don't be mean to my angel!"

Shinra's voice interjected with a fake whine, coming around the corner from a hallway. Izaya guessed he'd just woken up from a nap; his hair was still messy and Shinra was adjusting his glasses. His nose turned up at Izaya, who gave a practiced and airy smile, as he headed into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. "What is it?"

"Just wondering if you have any jobs," he said, sauntering over and sitting at a bar as Celty went back into her room after taking the helmet off. His eyes glanced around the room and leaned forward. His palm cradled his chin with the elbow to the granite surface, gaze finally turning to Shinra again. "I'm bored."

"Of living a good and honest life with Shizuo?" Shinra asked and smiled at him. "You're such a fake. It's disgusting."

"I'm not being fake."

"So why do you come over, asking for illegal hacking jobs behind his back?"

Izaya kept his mouth shut for a moment, one corner of his lips curled in a smirk. "Mm… maybe it's the same reason why you haven't told Celty about her head."

He could see Shinra still for a moment, staring at him before he turned away again. Glasses were pushed further up the bridge of his nose and Izaya spun around in his chair to look over the living room as he heard Shinra's mumbles. "I've got a few. I'll give you the files before you leave."

Picking up the remote, Izaya flipped through the channels until he found a program on aliens, giving a faint smirk before leaving it on. Shinra had begun cooking, making something that he made sure to let Izaya know wasn't for him, to which he raised a hand and waved it off. Feet met the ground as he stood and walked back over to the couch.

He'd gotten a new one, Izaya realized after touching the fabric. Made sense. Shizuo and Izaya ruined their fair share of couches at Shinra's apartment; Izaya had a few people wanting him hurt from middle school onwards and Shizuo always had cuts and bruises. Izaya had sent a few gangs, mainly from before they knew each other, because he was curious about the kid with the inhumane strength.

Shinra's couch was witness to several bloodstains and angry yells. Izaya could remember the first time he'd seen Shizuo's temper up close; he'd gotten past sending him gangs to rough him up and Shinra had already introduced them, but it was before they could be anything close to friends. It had been after school one day; they'd gotten results back from midterms and Shizuo was the first out. By the time Izaya had left, he heard yells and a screeching of metal being dragged against cement, clouds of dust swirling in the air.

**ten years ago**.

_"You goddamn fuckers!"_

_Izaya took a quick step back behind the wall and peered around, seeing Shizuo's knuckles bruised, obvious dents in the brick wall composing the alley. A few kids that Izaya knew were bad news surrounded him, each holding an iron pipe. But their hands were white and shaking, bodies trembling as they watched Shizuo hold a dented stop sign before giving another roar._

_The octagon swept against the ground, creating fiery sparks and a high-pitched screech that had Izaya wincing a bit. He heard a few yells and screams and the sound of bricks crumbling. It was a miracle the police weren't here or teachers weren't hearing this commotion. But Heiwajima Shizuo's fights were infamous and people tended to avoid him when angry at all costs—everyone except the idiots that pissed him off. Coughing a bit at another dust cloud, Izaya look around again. His eyes remained impassive as he surveyed the boys sprawled on the ground, but stilled when he saw Shizuo._

_His face was contorted with anger, breathing heavily and Izaya could see his chest rising and falling. His uniform was torn and scratched in a few places, blood beading at a cut on his cheek and dripping down his cheek. When Izaya's eyes met Shizuo's, his breath to see the pure and unaltered fury glassing over them. His eyes were hard and Izaya realized he'd never been this close to Shizuo when he was this angry; he had always watched from a bit away, making sure he wasn't seen, and when Shinra introduced them, he looked more tired and annoyed than genuinely angry._

_Maybe it was exam stress coupled with idiots messing with him. But Shizuo's eyes were terrifying and even Izaya stilled for a moment, thinking 'there's no way he's human.'_

_Shaking his head, he took a deep breath while fingers grasped the textured brick wall. Looking up with composure, he strode confidently, stepping over bodies still whining in pain. The trembles wracking his body moments before had stilled and Shizuo's eyes didn't seem to see him; they were staring straight through him, even as Izaya locked eyes with the boy._

_Three more long, confident strides and Izaya ducked and navigating through his arms and the metal pole and was close enough to touch him. He reached his arms out and wrapped them around Shizuo's body firmly, face burying in his shoulder and grasping the back of his shirt tightly. "Shizu-chan…"_

_He could feel Shizuo hesitate for a moment and grasped tighter, closing his eyes. A gruff 'let go' sounded and he could feel trembling arms try to push him away but he was weak for some reason and Izaya stepped even closer until their bodies were flushed together. "…I… zaya. Let go… I'm going to hurt you…"_

_"No."_

_Swallowing again, Izaya adjusted his grip a bit. Shizuo's movements were slightly awkward and stilted and so were Izaya's. His tall frame began stumbling backwards and Shizuo fell backwards; the sign he held clattered to the ground and the steel fence shook with the addition of his weight. Izaya fell to his knees as Shizuo ended up sitting, palms upwards._

_Gravel stuck to the black fabric of his pants and Izaya murmured 'Shizu-chan's really hurt, right?' and pulled back to look at him. Lips were parted with shallow breaths with messy blond bangs hiding his eyes, and Izaya ran slender hands over his chest lightly, frowning as he checked for broken bones. Fingers touched against the outside of his arm, tracing down to his palms and he took them softly, lifting them to check the bruises and blood._

_"…Shizu-chan, let's get you to Shinra's. Can you walk?"_

_"…Why?"_

_Shizuo's voice was hoarse and he had to swallow before trying to speak again. Izaya's expression remained impassive; he wasn't cruel but he wasn't kind, keeping a balance of any emotions. He watched as Shizuo licked his lips, the blood from a crack disappearing. "Why?" he repeated. "Why… why aren't…"_

_Izaya waited patiently._

_"Why…" he tried again, swallowing as his head stayed bowed. "Why… aren't… you scared?"_

_"Scared?" he echoed and Shizuo looked up at how quiet his voice was._

_Izaya gave a faint smile, eyes softening for a moment._

_"Shizu-chan, I'm not afraid of you."_

**present**.

Shizuo was a romantic. He told Izaya that the moment he fell in love was when Izaya said he wasn't afraid of him. He said he could remember that Izaya said it in a soft, quiet tone with a gentle look and Shinra would cackle with laughter as Izaya would scowl, eyes closing as he snapped at him to shut up.

His gaze lingered on where a bloodstain had once been, looking up only when Shinra poked at his back with a few folders. "You're welcome," Izaya murmured with a smirk as he flipped through four or five files, nodding and raising an eyebrow. "Aah… not bad. More than just hacking social media of an ex… looks like you've got actual _clients."_

"Hey, hey!" Shinra defended. "How do I advertise this? 'Hi, I have a friend that can hack up to and including the government, have anything you want to know'?"

"Shinra, you need to work on your advertising skills."

Waving the folders to quiet him, Izaya called, "I'll be back with these" and was out the door before Celty would come out and have to get upset at seeing him again. Shinra loved her and she loved him back and as a bad friend to begin with, Izaya almost didn't mind when he was even less present in his life when things began to get serious with Celty.

He had Shizuo.

Orihara Izaya wouldn't say that Shizuo was all he needed. Clearly, he needed other things too, like food and shelter. Shizuo wasn't the only person that made him happy, he wasn't the only person that he loved—Orihara Izaya loved all people. Orihara Izaya could survive if Heiwajima Shizuo wasn't with him, but survival and living were two different concepts.

He couldn't imagine his life if Shizuo hated him.


	2. still only human.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heiwajima shizuo had superhuman strength, but he was still human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my new year’s resolutions is going to be to update more frequently, haha. thank you for waiting and reading!

_**chapter two:** _ _still only human._

They had broken up once.

It wasn't too surprising. Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya dating seemed to shake the very foundation of Ikebukuro; their break-up had stirred some unrest as well, leading everyone at school to keep a fair distance away from them. No one knew the reason. One day they were together, their odd were-they-actually-fighting-or-just-playfully-teasing-each-other banters ringing through the hallways, always resolved and confirmed to be good-natured teasing when Shizuo didn't throw a desk. Then the next day, they weren't. The two at least looked at each other if they were in the same vicinity; naturally, they didn't run towards each other, but they acknowledge each other's presences. They didn't. When Izaya stepped out of his last class, Shizuo didn't look up. It was only at the end of the day, when Shizuo was closing his locker, when Izaya appeared at the end of the hallway and they just stared at each other, held each other's gazes. People parted ways; they expected Shizuo to rip his locker from its place and throw it at Izaya but he just slammed it shut and walked the other way, keeping his head bowed. Izaya didn't call out his name. He watched him walk off before sighing and going his own way.

Kishitani Shinra confirmed they broke up but wouldn't tell anyone why. He was a pretty loyal friend. Sometimes terrible, but always loyal.

Shizuo had a short temper. It was probably one of his biggest faults and he knew and readily admitted to it (and when Shinra would bring it up, Shizuo would punch him.) He'd get irritated over the smallest and most trivial things, usually having some sort of a violent outburst. The worst was physically hitting someone. The best was just slamming a door shut, hinges occasionally coming off. But he never hit Izaya; as angry as Izaya would make him, he'd never physically hurt Izaya. The closest he got was throwing something and it flew by Izaya's head, smashing into the wall behind him. But never directly hitting him, though people did say that they wouldn't blame him if he did try to.

Because as much as Shizuo liked Izaya and as much as Izaya liked Shizuo, Orihara Izaya's worst trait, arguably, was his tongue and how tactless he was with it. And he didn't try to control it. Not even for Shizuo.

Shinra had qualms about two of his closest friends dating for that exact reason. Shizuo wasn't a saint but he was definitely much closer to one than Izaya was. He may have beaten up some kids (and adults), ruined most of the city at one point, border on delinquency for skipping school (to feed the kittens) but when it came down to it, Shizuo was a good guy. He was morally upright, seeing things in almost a too black and white way. And when he cared for someone, genuinely did so, with a trust that was too easy to manipulate.

Izaya's specialty was manipulation.

Shinra wasn't sure if he supported their relationship because it involved someone that wore his heart on his sleeve once it was coaxed out and the worst person to have ever existed. Things seemed to start out all right. Shinra wasn't sure why Izaya was so interested in him but he didn't do anything terrible for the first few months of their relationship. They had minor arguments but nothing that major. In fact, Shinra was beginning to think that Shizuo had softened Izaya, made him kind. Dulled his razor sharp tongue, taught him the basics of being a considerate human.

But Izaya was Izaya. No matter how strong Shizuo's influence, the part that that made Izaya who he was would always remain.

**past.**

_"Celty! Who's-?"_

_The doorbell rang and Shinra was less than happy to be roused from sleep at nearly two in the morning. Celty was up first; she had been finishing paperwork (or something) and hadn't slept yet. Shinra was stumbling out of his bedroom, glasses on his head to make way for his fisted hand rubbing at his eyes. Voice still groggy from sleep, it took a few moments for eyes to focus even with glasses to recognize that it was Shizuo and he frowned._

_"…Eh? Shizuo? Forgot your key or-?"_

_"I'm going to stay here for a few nights."_

_"Aah?" he asked sleepily, still squinting as he waited for his eyes to adjust. "I thought you were staying with Izaya while your parents were out of town—"_

_Shizuo cut him off. "We broke up."_

_"Ha-?!"_

_Shinra's eyes widened and he immediately felt alert; he'd seen Shizuo at some of his low points, but there was never a time when Shizuo wouldn't even look him in the eye or yell at him. Immediately, he started thinking about Izaya, wondered if it would be even worth it to call him. The only person harder to talk to when angry than Shizuo was Izaya. Shinra often thought of it as talking to a brick wall that would shoot daggers at you._

_"I don't want to talk about it."_

_Mouth gaping, Shinra stood rooted to the spot as Celty ushered him in, leading him to the couch whose cushions never stayed for more than a week because of blood stains. Shizuo's single duffle bag was left on the floor and the moment he sat down, elbows were on his knees and face in his hands. He gave a sigh that made the dip between his shoulder blades so deep that it was like he exhaled all the air in his body._

_Hesitantly, Shinra stepped over as Celty disappeared into a room where they kept spare bedding. Shizuo was usually angry when he came over after a fight with Izaya, but he was quiet this time. Quiet and serious, meaning he was pushed beyond anger, meaning that Izaya had pushed Shizuo so much that he wasn't even angry, he was entirely and only hurt._

_Celty was his everything. But Shizuo was one of his first friends and he introduced him to Izaya, knowing Shizuo's personality and knowing Izaya's. And Celty would probably yell at him about that later._

_"…Shizuo?" he tried, sitting on a loveseat adjacent to the couch Shizuo was on._

_Giving a tired sigh, he rubbed his temples. "I just said-"_

_"…It was something Izaya did, wasn't it?"_

_Shizuo hesitated, avoiding looking at him as Celty gave him a pillow and blanket, shaking his head when asking if he wanted anything to drink with her PDA. When Shizuo was the one who had done something wrong, he came over and would immediately start writing things down on a notepad, things to say to Izaya to apologize, try to gather his thoughts. But he wasn't doing that and he looked drained, like he'd given up. Izaya was good at pushing people to that point._

_'Not even milk?' Celty typed again._

_"I'm fine. Thanks."_

_Celty hesitated before typing again._

_'…You're sure?'_

_Shizuo nodded and Celty turned to Shinra, smoke curling from her neck changing in aura as she held her PDA up to him, making sure Shizuo couldn't see._

_'Talk to Izaya.'_

* * *

_"…You think he'll take me back?"_

_"Hmm…" Shinra sighed and looked up before smiling brightly. "I wouldn't!"_

_Reclined in his couch, feet propped up on a footrest, Izaya's eyes glazed over as he stared at the television, hardly taking in what was being broadcasted. One arm draped over the back of the couch and the other was on the armrest, a half empty can of beer held between two fingers. Red eyes were slightly bloodshot with bags under them, something that Shinra decided to call out upon Izaya opening the door._

_"So," Shinra asked and opened a bag of chips. "Exactly what happened?"_

_"…I called him a monster."_

_"Ah…? So? You say that all the time—"_

_"No," Izaya said lowly and sighed, brow furrowing. "…I never said that to his face. And… I never meant it the way I did last night."_

_"Huh…" Shinra nodded. "Well, that still doesn't make you any less of a backstabbing bastard."_

_Eyes narrowing, 'you're an ass' was muttered as Izaya tilted his head back to take another swig of the beer. A few days had passed since Shizuo stormed out and Izaya hadn't yet swallowed his pride to think about going to find Shizuo. It was clear their relationship was over; Shizuo had walked out before to cool his head, but he always came back within a few hours._

_Their fights were never too extreme. Izaya was usually the one delivering the insults; Shizuo may have said something to provoke him but further into the fight, he'd fall silent, show his anger by the way he'd slam cabinets and drawers shut, stab at vegetables, avoid eye contact as Izaya kept calling things out. They both had fiery tempers; Shizuo's manifested in violence and Izaya's in words._

_Izaya couldn't even remember how it started. He always remembered everything but for some reason, he couldn't remember what started it. He just remembered that one moment they were talking about what to have for dinner and the next Shizuo was saying how Izaya seemed to be linked to a sudden spike in suicides around the city and Izaya was annoyed at how morally upright he was._

_'Is Shizu-chan some kind of angel?'_

_'How the hell can you be so heartless?!'_

_'Like Shizu-chan's never hurt anyone… you're the one throwing people left and right through walls and floors! You're not innocent either; you've got real blood on your hands!'_

_Izaya should've stopped there. He should've stopped when Shizuo grew so silent that his face was paling and teeth biting his lip so hard that blood was drawn. He should've stopped when Shizuo was pulling on his jacket, slamming the closet door shut so hard it came off its hinges._

_He should've stopped before 'between us, there's only one real monster and he can't even face me' slipped from his tongue._

_Shizuo had frozen and Izaya could immediately feel the atmosphere change. It grew cold and he was on guard; a hand reached into his pocket and grasped his pocket knife as Shizuo began turning. But he only saw a half profile before he stopped, bangs concealing his eyes. His mouth opened but closed and Izaya couldn't help snapping 'nothing to say? Thought so' before Shizuo left, slamming the door shut so harshly behind him that everything in his apartment shook._

_Izaya didn't begin to feel the guilt until the next night. His temper was quick and his pride was overwhelming; he didn't think twice about Shizuo not calling or coming back. But by the time he was getting in bed, he was staring at the ceiling and starting to wonder if he should call._

_Shinra stopped by a few days later; Izaya had opened the door a bit too quickly, anticipating Shizuo, but recovered, giving a tired smirk to greet his friend, keeping his expression from falling when Shinra said Shizuo had been staying with him and Celty._

_"You know, Izaya… you always surprise me with how awful you are," Shinra sighed. "There are some things you just don't say to Shizuo. Or someone in general. Can I have a beer?"_

_He nodded. "In the refrigerator."_

_"I shouldn't have introduced you," he called over his shoulder while heading to the kitchen. "Aah… I had a bad feeling. I should've listened to it."_

_Izaya ignored him._

_"Shizuo's parents are coming home tomorrow, so he'll be home. Are you going to apologize? Actually… have you ever apologized sincerely?"_

_Izaya ignored him again. Shinra came back over, bringing with him some grapes, and began eating, mumbling to himself as Izaya's fingers left slight dents in his can. His brows were slightly knit and could hear the blood pounding in his ears, waiting until the commercial break to speak in a quiet voice._

_"…Do you think he'd take me back?"_

_Shinra looked over and grinned. "Wow… you really like him, don't you? Don't blame you. Shizuo's a great guy… too great for someone like you."_

_"Answer my question," Izaya mumbled. "Do you think he'd take me back?"_

_Humming, Shinra popped another grape into his mouth, taking his time in chewing. Izaya took the final sip of his beer before crushing the empty can and tossing it onto the table, feeling annoyance grow with every minute that passed with Shinra's silence._

_"I wouldn't."_

_Izaya had been expecting it but it still stung._

_"But I'm not stupidly into you like Shizuo is."_

* * *

_Izaya had never apologized. Not even as a kid, when he broke someone else's toy. He was smart enough with an angelic face that no one would blame him and it was all too easy to say it was someone else. The pattern continued into elementary and junior high and by the time it was high school, everyone had figured out that it was Izaya's fault but no one bothered trying to get him to apologize._

_When he asked Shinra how to apologize, all he got was a blank stare before a laugh, Shinra choking out 'are you serious?' in between, clearly being unhelpful and Izaya wasn't desperate enough to seek out a self-help book._

_But he still didn't know how to apologize. Especially not to someone this important, someone who would know if his apology was genuine or half-hearted. Just the words 'I'm sorry' hardly seemed enough, but there wasn't anything else he could say._

_It was rare, but Izaya decided to be impromptu about it. He thought that maybe the words would come to him in the moment; it seemed to work that way for Shizuo, the blond seeming to never fully think out his words. He sought him out after school, waited outside of the classroom that Shizuo was taking a make up test in._

_Izaya's steps were hurried, heels of his shoes loud against the silent hallway. Shizuo took long, angry strides; he ignored Izaya trying to get him to turn around, yanked his arm away whenever pale fingers managed to graze it. He didn't run, but from the way he was talking, Izaya knew Shizuo wasn't intending on stopping unless he was forced to._

_"Shizu-chan,_ look at me _!"_

_It was strange. Attention was never a problem for him; Izaya would get it either with his looks or from his actions. And he liked it._

_But it drove him crazy that Shizuo wasn't paying attention to him and was good at ignoring him. For the past two days, he'd successfully ignored Izaya's presence unless forced to interact with him. If he was with Shinra, Shizuo would nod to him and not even look at Izaya as he walked away. If they were the only two in a classroom, Shizuo wouldn't even give any indication that he wasn't alone._

_It was infuriating._

_He couldn't bear that Shizuo wasn't noticing him._

_It drove him crazy._

_Nearly lunging forward, Izaya grasped Shizuo's wrist and yanked harshly, hard enough for any normal person to wince in pain. But Shizuo just looked over his shoulder, brown eyes so hardened and so cold that Izaya faltered before quickly regaining composure._

_"Look, Shizu-chan, we need to—"_

_"Stay away from me."_

_Red eyes narrowed to hide his surprise but he let Shizuo's wrist drop and took a step back. Shizuo's aura was menacing at times, but it was usually when he was pissed off, certainly never around Izaya. Izaya had never been scared Shizuo would hit him and while he was exactly scared, he did sense that Shizuo just might be angry enough to slam his head into a wall._

_"Stop talking to me. Stop following me. Stop hanging around me. I don't want to talk to you, Izaya. Leave me alone."_

_Shizuo strode off without leaving Izaya even a second to try to answer and he stood rooted to the dark tile he was on, staring at Shizuo's retreating back. Truthfully, he'd entertained the idea that he and Shizuo could break up a few times before. It happened, he knew, and he was being realistic. But he had no idea that it would hurt this much and wondered when he began to let himself get so attached to one person and let his guard down._

…Did Shizu-chan change me?

_Fists clenched before they were shoved in his pocket and Izaya turned to walk the other way, decided to leave through the back of the school to not cause Shizuo anymore hassle._

_Evidently, Heiwajima Shizuo had changed him and Izaya was too blinded to realize it. He was beginning to change Izaya into someone that cared for someone else and didn't want to lose them. Someone that wasn't the same person who took blame for Shinra's stabbing. Someone that Izaya had always thought of as weak._

Disgusting… _he thought, slinging his backpack over a shoulder and kicking at a stone._ Shizu-chan's made me so gross…

…Shizu-chan can't just change me and then ignore me. That's not how it works.

That's not fair.

_It took another two weeks for Izaya to find Shizuo, going over to his house when he knew no one else was home. He skipped the door and went straight to the old tree, climbing it skillfully and letting himself in through Shizuo's window, glad it was unlocked. When Shizuo stepped out of the shower, Izaya was sitting on Shizuo's bed, saying nothing, looking at him quietly, but closing his eyes and sighing when Shizuo spun around on his heel to walk out of the room._

_"Shizu-chan, wait."_

_He was surprised that Shizuo stopped, watching him for a moment longer to make sure he wouldn't walk off. When ten seconds had passed and he was still in the room, Izaya stood slowly, hands by his sides and eyes downcast._

_"…I'm sorry."_

_The words felt off on his tongue. They made it feel dry, they were hard to say; it was probably one of the only times his voice wasn't smooth and confident. Izaya had to swallow after saying it, but his throat still felt tight. His heart was racing and he couldn't bring himself to look up; his plan of saying it as many times as Shizuo needed to hear it wasn't going to work out, just the idea of saying it again made him nauseous._

_He could hear the sound of his own breathing, but ears pricked when he heard scuffling against the carpet. Shizuo turned around, he could see by watching the other's bare feet, and was approaching him._

_"…All right."_

_"…What?"_

_Izaya looked up, eyes a bit wider than normal. Shizuo didn't look happy. If anything, he still looked a bit pissed. But more than that, he looked tired and sad and Izaya found himself wondering if that was how Shizuo looked when he was a child, when Shinra told him that he didn't have any friends because he was scared of his strength._

…Shizu-chan's lonely like I am, huh?

_"…All right," he repeated quietly._

Shizu-chan's… afraid to not have anyone too…

_"That's… it?" Izaya asked a bit cautiously. "You forgive me just like that?"_

_Shizuo shrugged._

_"…You apologized, didn't you?"_

_Their relationship wasn't the healthiest. Their getting back together depended on their mutual fear of having no one and Izaya, arguably, taking advantage of Shizuo's kind and soft heart._

_When he told Shinra that they were back together again, Shinra stared at him for a long time and sighed._

_"Izaya… you're really an awful person."_

_"…Shut up, Shinra."_

_"Maa… things could be worse. At least you actually like him."_

**present.**

"Oi, Izaya. We need groceries."

Izaya looked up.

"Eeh… Shizu-chan, we just went grocery shopping last week…"

"I finished all the food."

Raising an eyebrow, Izaya nodded and closed his book. Shizuo was pulling a jacket once when Izaya was reaching for his scarf, wrapping it twice around his neck before reaching for his coat. He zipped it up before walking over and fixing Shizuo's for his, mumbling 'Shizu-chan might get sick too.'

"Doubt it."

"Don't they say idiots don't get sick…?"

Izaya smirked at Shizuo's narrowed eyes, singing 'just kidding' as he opened the door and stepped out. Shizuo's hand brushed against the small of Izaya's back a few times on their way out of the building; between the two, Shizuo was clearly the one who was more physical, but they both refrained from unnecessarily doing so in public.

It took a while for Izaya to coax Shizuo into being comfortable around him; Shizuo told him that Izaya was reckless to trust him entirely and Izaya told him that as someone who feared death more than anything, it wasn't him being reckless, but putting his trust in the right place. 'As long as I don't make Shizu-chan mad, Shizu-chan has nothing to be scared about, right?' he'd ask over and over and Shizuo would just shrug, looking away.

The first time Shizuo hugged him—really genuinely _hugged_ him, not an awkward half embrace—was when Shinra called him over, saying Izaya had gotten hurt. It had been a bullet wound in his thigh, nothing serious, but Shinra neglected to mention that part. Next thing they knew, Shizuo had burst through Shinra's door and hugged Izaya so tightly he couldn't breathe.

Izaya wasn't particularly fond of hugs or physical contact, but Shizuo happened to be different.

Heiwajima Shizuo was _always_ Izaya's exception.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya said suddenly once they were outside, cold air nipping at his cheeks and nose. "How did you finish two dozen eggs?"

Shizuo looked at him incredulously. "By… eating them."

"No, no, I know that… but… did Shizu-chan have a lot of fried eggs?"

"Ah. No. Omelets. And fried eggs. And sometimes in ramen."

"…Two dozen in a week…?"

"They're healthy for you."

Humming, Izaya nodded, still looking amused, stepping closer to Shizuo when they turned onto a busier street, much rather having to bump into him than a stranger. His eyes lingered on a woman standing by a crosswalk, jabbering on her phone, recognizing her from one of the files Shinra had given him.

"Something the matter?"

Shizuo's voice drew him out of his trance and he shook his head. "Ah, nothing. Just thought she looked like someone I knew from high school."

Shizuo's expression changed a bit. "From-?"

"…From a project," he fixed immediately, knowing Shizuo was thinking about the suicides that he was rumored to have a part in. "We… didn't do so well and she was upset."

"Ah," Shizuo said, seeming more relieved and nodding as he pulled a carton of cigarettes out from his pocket, ignoring Izaya's frown. "It happens. People get too worked up about grades sometimes."

"Shizu-chan, didn't you say you were cutting back?"

"It's cold."

"But Shizu-chan doesn't get cold."

"…Just one."

Sighing, he shook his head and waved his hand, murmuring 'go ahead.' Shizuo seemed pleased and held the cigarette between chapped lips, opening his lighter with a flip of his wrist. The flame licked the end of his cigarette for a few moments before the lighter was pocketed and he inhaled, turning to exhale so the wind would carry the smoke away from Izaya.

" _Help!_ That man stole my purse!"

A high pitched shriek caught Izaya's attention and he, like many others, turned immediately to the source, seeing a man dressed in dark colors with a baseball cap pulled down low to conceal his face sprinting away from her. People naturally stepped back and Izaya sighed, raising a hand to his hand, already hearing Shizuo begin to move, preparing to save the day by being a good guy. He looked annoyed, hand raising to take his cigarette out of his mouth and drop it to the cement, stepping on it and turning his foot to put it out.

_Shizu-chan's too kind…_

Heiwajima Shizuo had superhuman strength, but he was still human.

"…ORIHARA…!"

Usually it was a yell of Shizuo's name that would be heard. So when it was Izaya's, eyes opened and he frowned. But once his eyes made contact with the man's, his breath hitched; Shinra had given him his file, he remembered. He was charged with embezzlement and had been fired, lost his job as a result of Izaya unearthing the proof necessary. The name that was on the file had been "Lizard," Izaya remembered, and was slightly perplexed.

_"…Shinra. Are you serious?"_

_Shinra grinned._

_"Your job is to find out everything! Including their real names!"_

How he knew his name or found out that Izaya was behind his termination, he had no idea, but he had no idea how to explain the man knowing his name to Shizuo without either lying or coming clean about anything, both of which weren't viable options. He could already see Shizuo turning to look at him, but red eyes were fixated on something metal being pulled out of his coat and his throat grew dry, hearing screams as people immediately backed away from him.

_A gun…? What the hell? Wait… that's-!_

He hissed a swear and took a step back, swallowing thickly, suddenly finding himself looking straight down the blackness of the barrel.

" _Izaya-!"_

_Bang._

_Bang bang bang._

_Bang._

_Thud._

He had felt a shove to his arm and was on the ground right before the first shot was fired. There was a blur of black and white, but most importantly, of blond hair and a terrified look.

"Shizu—"

His breath had stilled, body unable to move once his voice was cut off with the first gunshot. He'd watched in slow motion as bullets ripped through Shizuo's body, hearing grunts and seeing his body being pushed back from the force. One, then three in succession, then a final one before Shizuo's body fell to the ground right in front of him, blood pooling and staining the ground.

"Shizuo…"

People had screamed and still were, but Izaya just wanted to yell at them to shut up. He was frozen to the spot still, hands shaking; his mouth had never felt this dry except for that one time he apologized, thinking back to it, wishing that having to swallow his pride was the worst of his problems at the moment.

"Shizuo… Shizuo…!"

Moving onto his knees, arms were trembling as they looked over Shizuo's body. One bullet had lodged itself in his thigh and two more around his shoulder. A fourth in his side and the fifth—

Izaya's face paled.

_His heart…_

Heiwajima Shizuo had superhuman strength, but he was still human.

Immediately, both hands pressed to the wound over the heart and Izaya looked up, yelling ' _call an ambulance_ ' to the man he made eye contact with, glaring until he pulled his phone out. It was only then that Izaya looked down, harshness in his expression disappearing.

Shizuo's eyes were half lidded and his breathing shallow; he was weakly struggling to move, words coming out in short rasps and Izaya could just barely make out 'eggs' and 'milk' and 'bread' and 'sorry, I'll quit smoking.'

"Sh-Shizu-chan, save your breath…" he rasped, swallowing thickly. "You're going to be all right… we're going to buy more eggs, okay, Shizu-chan? More eggs… so many eggs that you'll get tired of them. We'll get milk too… Shizu-chan, stay with me—Shizu-chan, don't-!"

Izaya had experienced panic before, but never like this. He'd been at the side of a bleeding friend but Shizuo wasn't just a friend, Shizuo and Shinra weren't the same. Shinra was a friend, arguably his best friend. Shizuo was someone he was in love with and was committed to, someone that he couldn't bear losing. Someone that if he lost, he'd have no one left.

"Izaya… I'll quit… smoking…"

"D-don't think about that!"

Izaya hated the wavering in his voice. He hated that his eyes probably looked frantic; he hated that with all these people around him, he had never felt more hopeless and vulnerable. He hated that with all he knew, all the dirt he had on people, there wasn't a single thing that could help Shizuo at this moment. Blood kept spurting from the wound, squeezing through his frigid fingers and he could see life draining from Shizuo's eyes.

The low chattering of the crowd was starting to piss him off, but Izaya couldn't bear to look away; it felt like he'd be losing more control than he already had. The purse snatcher was long gone, the damn woman that got her damn person stolen visible from the corner of his eye.

_Shinra… Shinra, I need… to call Shinra…_

But he couldn't move his hands, not even one, to grab his phone. All he could do was kneel there on cold pavement, next to Shizuo's body, feel his blood get over his hands in his clothes, try to keep talking, keep his voice even.

The wailing of the sirens couldn't grow loud enough and Izaya had to be pried off of him, calling his name over and over, jumping into the back before anyone could say anything. Hazel eyes were so dull and Izaya's bloodied hands cupped Shizuo's face, tried to talk to him. "Shizu-chan… Shizu-chan, hang in there, Shizu-chan, you haven't fixed the sink, Shizu-chan…!"

"Izaya…" he breathed, blinking slowly, as if blinking took everything he had. "Izaya… I… love—"

"You're going to be all right, don't say that, Shizu-chan, don't say that, that's the kind of thing you say when you're going to-!"

"I love… you…"

" _Shizuo!"_

* * *

" _Orihara-san?"_

" _Izaya's… not in a talking mood. I'm a friend, Kishitani Shinra. Here for Heiwajima Shizuo."_

" _Ah… we… did everything we could, but…"_

Heiwajima Shizuo had superhuman strength, but he was still human.

And humans died.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is for his own good, he kept repeating to himself as he'd turn the other way and leave. this is… this is for shizu-chan's best interest.

_**chapter three** _ _: it's nice to meet you again_

Two weeks after the funeral, Izaya was out grocery shopping. He avoided the way he'd taken last time, ending up on a much longer detour. But he'd been working almost nonstop, both at his regular job and with clients from Shinra, so the exercise and fresh air were well needed. Coffee had been his only intake for a good few days until Celty showed up, surprising him to see her there. But, as it turned out, she said she was worried and knew Shizuo would want to make sure that Izaya was all right.

He had greeted her at first but as soon as he saw Shizuo's name on her PDA, he fell silent for the rest of the duration of her stay. She left only when he finished the food she brought and gave no reaction to a parting _I'm sorry._

Izaya didn't say much at the funeral. He went and was quiet, nodded at the words of sympathy. Shinra and Celty took turns watching over him, making sure he didn't do anything impulsive. But Izaya was strangely quiet and still; he chose one place to stand in and he was there the entire time. Shinra would chatter just to make Izaya tell him to shut up to make sure he was still there. There were times where he'd talk to someone and seemed far too all right; they felt they saw traces of the high school Izaya. The Izaya that bordered on slipping into the darkness of the city, had Shizuo not kept him on the legal side (but barely.) The dangerous Izaya. The twisted Izaya.

He appeared for flickers at a time but was gone as he went back to being eerily silent.

Afterwards, Izaya was scarily all right.

As far as the two concerned, there was no crying. There wasn't even any mourning; Izaya took one night and was back to work, back to his everyday schedule. He'd shut down the conversation quickly if they brought up Shizuo, but aside from that, he'd talk to them as he always did, the only signs that something had happened his dull eyes and pale skin. He even smiled, gave his smirks, did his hand motions, teased them. It was all empty, but it was there.

But he answered phone calls and the door, dropping by Shinra's as often as he always would, managed to smirk and retain his wit. Whenever they stopped by to check up on him, he seemed fine and Shinra insisted that was leading up to a meltdown and Celty told him to be more sensitive about it. He didn't go out but Izaya didn't exactly venture into the city every single day.

Even Kasuka said that Izaya seemed unnaturally all right.

_"Sorry about your loss, Kasuka-kun."_

_Nodding a bit slowly, Kasuka accepted the offered tea and watched him. Izaya moved smoothly, like he was gliding over the floor. Very unlike someone who had lost a lover. "…Likewise. You seem… well."_

_"Ah…"_

_Izaya shrugged, standing and walking over to his floor-to-ceiling windows with a shrug. Light rain pattered on the window and Izaya was silent for a bit before answering, voice retaining a teasing sing-song quality. "Life moves on! If the world stopped for one person, we'd be stuck forever, no? Would you like some cake?"_

_"No, that's all right," Kasuka murmured, watching him still. "…Have you gone to see niisan's grave?"_

_"Not yet," Izaya answered airily. "I've been busy with—"_

_"Too busy to visit your dead boyfriend's grave, when he died saving_ you _?"_

_It was no secret that Kasuka never exactly approved of Izaya, saying that he always had a bad feeling about him. The words stilled Izaya's movement and he looked over his shoulder, aura suddenly cold, look frigid. "…Like I said, Kasuka-kun. I've been busy. It's not my fault that Shizu-chan is such a kind person."_

_"Was."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_Kasuka stood, grabbing his coat and setting his mug down on the table. "Was," he repeated as he pulled it on, fixing the collar before turning to leave._

_"He's not around anymore. You better get to believing it and acting it soon."_

Ever since Kasuka's visit, Izaya had been a bit more absent. Immediately, Shinra showed up with ootoro and coffee, both of which Izaya took and then wordlessly shut the door in his face.

But today was cleaning day, he had decided once he finished his ootoro and Shinra gave up banging and whining on the door and shuffled back home. He'd put it off for nearly three weeks and decided that he couldn't sleep on the couch anymore, that he had to reorganize the bedroom that made him feel suffocated. Orihara Izaya didn't appreciate feeling trapped, especially in his own apartment.

That only problem was that Izaya wasn't used to cleaning out because he usually never had anything to clean out.

The man believed in minimalism, buying only what he needed when he needed it. He didn't stock up or hoard things; whenever something lost its use, he tossed it into the trash without a second thought. One of the only things that he kept faithfully were his two silver rings; everything else was either rejected or given to someone else, and that was only if he couldn't bear to throw it out for some reason.

But after Shizuo moved in, everything Izaya wanted to throw out was kept (unless it actually _was_ garbage.) Shizuo kept pictures and receipts and tickets, even cards his parents would send or Mairu and Kururi's school projects (Izaya had no idea why his sisters used him as a dumping ground.)

Boxes were all around him. Mairu and Kururi's projects in one, tickets and receipts in another. Shizuo's personal belongings in a third, for Kasuka to take. And then a smaller one for things he found as mementos. Drawers and closet doors were open, everything strewn about; it was the messiest Izaya's bedroom had ever been and ever would be.

Hesitating when he fold a slightly ratty cow plush, he stared at it. He'd already decided childish things like that would be in the box for Kasuka, but couldn't bring himself to drop it in. He remembered when Shizuo had unpacked it; Izaya pestered him about it, dropped a few playful teases, expected Shizuo to blush as he always did.

But Shizuo just looked at him seriously, held it up and said that its name was Mr. Cow and that it would sleep with him.

_"…Shizu-chan, seriously?"_

_"You accept Mr. Cow or we both sleep on the couch."_

"Mr. Cow… what a stupid name," he mumbled but set it next to the small box of things to leave for himself. A few other small stuffed animals joined the pile, along with handmade cards and some potpourri Shizuo had bought because the seller was a charming elderly woman and the man who could bend steel had a soft heart. He stared at the pile; it was much larger than he had thought it would be, but a quick skim reaffirmed the decision to keep everything in it.

Letting his head fall back and roll around his shoulders; his eyes closed and took a deep breath, hands clenching to stop the shaking. Swallowing slowly and exhaling, he straightened, a dull look in his eyes. After catching sight of a something small in the corner of his eye, Izaya reached in, coaxing it from the very edge of the box.

He turned it over his fingers a few times, hearing something tumble about within. It was an origami box, one that Shizuo probably made himself; there was something charming about how it was uneven, how the folds weren't precise, but it was evident that the creator had tried his best to make it look good. It was obviously Shizuo. Before he could help himself, Izaya was smiling softly, the first curve his lips had been pulled into since the funeral.

Sighing, he opened it; it was a bit hard, the top either too small or bottom too big. Once he jiggled it free, the smile fell immediately when he looked at the small item in the box, feeling his skin prickle and temporarily forgetting to breathe.

**past.**

_"You never want to get married?"_

_"It's not Shizu-chan," Izaya assured, waving his hand, other one still tapping along at his computer. "It's me."_

_Shizuo stared at him for a long time._

_"…That's what people say for breakups."_

_"Shizu-chan, I'm not breaking up with you," he murmured. Sighing, he added 'wait a minute' and set back to work; eyes narrowed as he focused and Shizuo gave a frustrated grunt, standing to go pour himself some lemonade (as they were fresh out of milk and Izaya found it amusing the man drank something sweet when he was annoyed.) The report was finished quickly and he picked up his coffee, walking over to join Shizuo in the kitchen, watching him gulp down his first glass. "I don't like commitment."_

_Shizuo's frown deepened and he refilled his glass._

_"Of course, I'm faithful to Shizu-chan," he added nonchalantly with a nod, sipping lukewarm coffee that made him grimace for a moment. "But… I don't see the point in marriage. In documents. In laws involved in our relationship. In—"_

_"Do you not want a family?"_

_Izaya's mouth was still half open and he stared, looking surprised. "…Hah?"_

_Shizuo's hands were turning white from his grip on the glass and Izaya watched as he slowly lowered it to the counter, looking slightly troubled as he realized this for the first time. "…A family? Kids… a house. Are you… going to stay in the city forever?"_

_"Aah? Of course… this is our home, Shizu-chan," Izaya murmured, tilting his head. "As for a family… I like just the two of us. Do I look like a family man?"_

_"…I want a family," Shizuo mumbled and looked down and Izaya fell silent, looking away, understanding immediately. "…I want to move to the suburbs eventually. Home is with you. Not necessarily in the city. I always wanted two kids. A boy and a girl… the boy's older so he can protect his little sister. And making family snowmen and snow angels… eggnog and hot chocolate. And family vacations and a family dog and family vacations and spoiling them and—"_

_"Wait," Izaya said immediately, holding a hand up and stepping back, adopting a hard gaze, the kind that came when he was distancing himself. "…Shizu-chan. When I agreed to be with you, I didn't agree to kids and moving and… snowmen. Are you expecting us to take off work? Because I certainly don't see you just allowing me to continue working full-time and our hypothetical kids having one absent father and only getting to know one. I don't plan on leaving my career. And I still don't like hot chocolate. Shizu-chan… I grew up with absent parents. I grew up as the older brother. I took care of my sisters. And even if it's only one of us who's absent, that only halves the loneliness. I'm not willing to give up my job and you won't give up on me not giving it up."_

_"Relationships are give and take, Izaya," he snapped, looking up with a glare. "You can't just take all the damn time. And this isn't something we can compromise on, we need to… we need to talk this out. Maybe if you just thought it through—"_

_"I already have."_

_"Then think about it more! Maybe you'll reconsider. Do you even know what compromising is?!"_

_"I do," he said plainly, keeping his gaze even. "Don't you think me being with you is compromise—"_

_"So you're saying you don't want our relationship at all?!"_

_Izaya sighed, bringing a hand up to his face. "Shizu-chan… don't interrupt me."_

_"Well, how can I help it?" he nearly yelled, walking past him and grabbing his coat to tug on. "You sound like you never even wanted to date me!"_

_"Well it's certainly not as if I was the one that brought it up, now was I?"_

_Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, Izaya found himself wishing he'd put it another way that wasn't so direct and so hurtful. Shizuo's head snapped up to look at him, looking surprised and hurt. Turning sharply on his heel, he was out of the apartment and Izaya swore quietly under his breath, opening the refrigerator and taking out a beer, opening it with one hand and taking a gulp._

_"…Damnit."_

**present.**

"…And he was going to propose anyway…" Izaya breathed. "…Like I'd change my mind."

Shizuo came home about a week later, coaxed by Izaya going over to Shinra's. 'I'm not good at relationships' and 'I care about you a lot, Shizu-chan' were a couple of snippets he remembered from the conversation that Shizuo was mostly quiet during. He honestly thought that he'd lost Shizuo for good this time, that somehow he could be taken back for calling him a monster but not for affirming what Shizuo probably knew about his personality.

Communication was one of the couple's weak points. While Izaya knew of his opinion on families and Shizuo's opinion, they'd never quite had the talk until it felt like it was too late. Izaya saw couples breaking up all the time because they couldn't agree on kids or a family life. He just never realized he and Shizuo could be just like them.

Shizuo had said _'all right'_ again, in the same voice he had when Izaya uttered his first apology. It was quiet and it took days for Shizuo to be able to act entirely normal around him, but Izaya was grateful and he wondered how many second chances he'd get.

Shinra had him over for coffee a few days later. Once the door closed, his first words were ' _this relationship doesn't seem fair at all to Shizuo.'_

Izaya poured himself some coffee.

_"He's choosing to stay in it."_

_"You're so selfish, Izaya."_

_"Again, Shizu-chan chose—"_

_"You, of all people, know how scary it is to be lonely. Shizuo's giving up so much for you. And you? What are you giving up?"_

Closing his eyes, he closed his fingers around the ring and put it on, admiring it on his slender finger, giving a crooked and tired half smile.

"…Perfect fit."

* * *

"I finished."

"…All of them? Already?"

The ring was noticed immediately by the both of them, but neither said anything about it. Izaya had shown up early on a Saturday morning, bringing with him a single coffee for himself and an easy smile, several folders in his other hand. Izaya's smile, practiced and feigned, had Shinra give a sigh as he stepped back and opened the door further to let him in, mumbling 'could've at least brought me a coffee.'

Izaya sang his apology, calling out a rather cheerful 'good morning' to Celty, turning away before she could show him her returned 'good morning' on her PDA. The pile of folders was set down on the coffee table as Izaya sat; his face remained like a doll's, perfect and pale, smiling eternally, only changing as he took a sip of his coffee.

Slowly waking up fully, Shinra stumbled around for a bit. Izaya began talking about the weather, managing to make 'it's a chilly day' into a long spiel while the doctor flipped through the documents, his frown growing deeper until he looked up. "…Izaya, are you on drugs?"

Izaya looked over.

"What an absolutely _preposterous_ assumption, Shinra!"

"Then…" he tried again, "when was the last time you slept?"

Izaya held his gaze for a moment, giving a languid shrug as he turned away. The television was turned on after he set his cup on the table, stretching out. Socked feet crossed at the ankles, resting next to his coffee, and he leaned back, arms draped over the back of the couch and head falling back to rest on it. His breathing was shallow and Shinra would see his even slimmer frame under a shirt that used to be less baggy. "Aa… who knows. I've been busy. Coffee is a wonderful thing."

"You mean caffeine is a wonderful thing," Shinra mumbled. He didn't look his best but compared to Izaya, averaging four hours a sleep was an achievement. Make up probably concealed dark bags under his eyes, foundation brightened dull complexion. Shinra worried about Izaya's health; there had been days where he got so excited about something (some weird thing most people wouldn't get excited about) and Shinra sat by his side, fed him as he babbled. Izaya didn't seem to hold a high regard for his health and yet, at the same time, was relatively healthy when it came down to it, eating fruits and vegetables, weighing himself regularly, getting his exercise in one way or another. He just forgot to eat sometimes.

But he'd never looked this terrible and yet normal at the same time. Everything around him seemed fine and that worried Shinra. He hadn't shown any sign of sadness and Shinra began to wonder if he should try to talk to him. Despite their relationship, he did hold a certain level of genuine concern for Izaya, usually flaring in the most extreme of situations.

"Iza—"

"Shizu-chan's still sleeping," he said suddenly and Shinra froze, seeing even Celty's shadows slow to almost a halt for a moment.

"…Uh…"

"Sleeping," Izaya repeated, looking up with an icy smile. "Aa… Shizu-chan's always had a habit of sleeping in. Especially on weekends. I never understood how he could do that… Shizu-chan's mysterious."

Shinra glanced over his shoulder, looking at Celty, reading her shadows as he turned back to Izaya. He had fallen quiet, hummed lightly and bounced the leg that crossed over his other as he watched the news, occasionally making a dry remark. Coffee was set in front of Shinra before Celty went back to her room and he waited until the click of the door resounded before speaking.

"…Izaya, Shizuo's dead."

His foot stilled immediately and his expression darkened, but he didn't move to look at Shinra.

"He's dead," Shinra repeated carefully. "Look, I know that's… hard to accept. And I guess this is why you've seemed to be almost fine these past few weeks. But you can't just keep thinking that Shizuo's napping somewhere in the sun. You have to—"

"Shut up."

"Izaya, I know you don't want to hear this, but—"

"Shut _up._ "

Izaya's grip on the remote tightened, knuckles turning white. The buzz from the television was all that filled the void as Shinra hesitated; Izaya's violence was a different sort of violence from Shizuo, a quieter but more focused, more direct anger, more venomous. Izaya's violence always had an intent to hurt a specific person.

Not that Shinra was actually scared, but it was pretty annoying to deal with.

"He's dead, Izaya," Shinra stated, straightening. "And I know it hurts. I know how important he was to you. I know both of you and I know that both of you were dependent on each other. And I know—"

"So you _know,_ huh?" Izaya snarled, looking up, anger only intensifying at Shinra's passive and emotionless expression, not even reacting to his anger. "You _know_ everything, Shinra? You act like you understand every single thing about Shizuo and me, like you're _god_ like you're the author of our lives. Do you really _know_ what it's like to lose him? Do you really _know_ how we felt before, during, and after everything? Do you honestly _know_? No, I don't think you do, so _shut the fuck up, Shinra._ "

Standing, Shinra didn't move, watching the remote be thrown at the wall, leaving a sizeable dent. Celty came hurrying out in time to see Izaya walk out, slamming the door shut behind him. _'What happened?!'_ was typed quickly and the PDA shoved in Shinra's face.

He gave a tired smile, rubbing his eyes after taking off his glasses.

"Aah, Celty… Izaya's absolutely _exhausting_ …"

* * *

Shizuo wasn't dead.

Izaya had insisted it to himself the night of the funeral, perched on the windowsill. One foot was flat against the surface and knee bent, other dangling out of the open window as he looked out over the nighttime city view from the top floor of his building. He heard his answering machine take another message, Shinra's voice breaking the silence. A red apple was held between his fingers, not a single bite taken.

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

This had become an almost daily occurrence. If he wasn't busy, if, god forbid, he ran out of things to do and had time to himself, he would spend it convincing himself that Shizuo was alive. A lie could become the truth as long as he believed it and Izaya was more than desperate enough to do so.

His thin brow knit as he stared intently at the moon in the distance. Memories of Shizuo kept flitting through his mind: his face, his touch, his smell, his laugh, his voice. At first he'd tried to suppress them but soon gave in, reveling in every memory, even smiling dryly at some of them.

Because Shizuo wasn't dead.

Because he wasn't remembering memories of a deceased, he was remembering them of someone who just wasn't there at that exact moment.

He remembered everything from the first time they'd met to Shizuo's small little habits, like squeezing toothpaste from the middle, leaving cupboards open for what he claimed was convenience, putting in headphones and forgetting to hit play on his MP3. He remembered Shizuo bringing home strays at first, looking disappointed whenever Izaya told him to take them back (but usually allowing one night if he was in a good mood.)

Shizuo didn't wear socks and so a freshly mopped floor had his footprints all over it.

Shizuo's sweaters were so comfortable that Izaya wore them, leading him to become Shizuo's walking closet.

Shizuo's laugh was soft and sweet, so gentle and so serene. A chuckle would move his shoulders and Izaya would watch when he looked genuinely happy, feeling his own expression slip into a small smile.

Retracing their high school memories, the apple stopped turning in his hands, remembering that he had been the first to confess. It had been after school; they'd gone out on a few "dates" and Izaya may or may not have purposely gotten Shizuo into trouble with him so they'd have detention together.

**past.**

_"So fuckin' stupid…"_

_Straightening only to lean his elbow on a mop, Izaya gave a smirk as he watched Shizuo cough while he clapped two black board erasers together, turning away with a wrinkled nose and hands out the window. White chalk still managed to stick to his uniform; luckily it was white and blue, making it somewhat hard to stand out._

_"Ah… sorry, Shizu-chan," meant for both giving him that task and the detention._

_"Whatever," he mumbled gruffly. "Those guys shouldn't have been pickin' on you."_

_Izaya neglected to explain that he'd actually set that up because he wanted to see Shizuo's strength in action. Shinra told him he was being mean. Izaya explained he was curious but also didn't want Shizuo to hate him. But did want to see that strength._

_"Shizu-chan," he murmured with a smirk, straightening as he left the mop to the side. "You could at least try to not get chalk all over you."_

_"It's not like I'm trying…!"_

_"Shizu-chan's just bad at this stuff…"_

_Ignoring Shizuo's scowl, Izaya strode the distance of the classroom. Shizuo seemed surprised when Izaya's hands reached out and straightened his blue jacket, effectively ridding almost all of the chalk._

_Unfortunately, it just transferred onto his black jacket, providing a very stark, very noticeable contrast._

_A slight frown curved Izaya's lips as he stepped back and used the back of his fingers to brush against the fabric, ultimately just slipping it off and shaking it. The loud sound of the fabric with every shake disguised it at first but when Izaya stilled, he heard quiet chuckles. Turning back to Shizuo, his expression was genuinely curious and slightly surprised to see Shizuo turning away, a hand raised to cover his mouth, shoulders moving slightly with soft laughter._

_Izaya realized that was the first time Shizuo had ever laughed in such a gentle way._

_"Aah, sorry, sorry," Shizuo cleared his throat once realizing Izaya was watching. "It's just that you've never made that kind of a face before—"_

_"I like Shizu-chan."_

_Orihara Izaya, who did things in a premeditated fashion, would later insist he had planned this. This detention, to be alone with him (and Shinra wouldn't butt in.) Assigning Shizuo to clean the erasers, knowing he'd get chalk over himself. Walking over to help him clean his jacket, establishing proximity. Making him laugh—_

_Making him laugh wasn't part of the plan, no matter how much Izaya spun it. Because in truth, he hadn't planned it. For the first time in a long time, Izaya had said something without thinking it through and all the consequences. He'd gone with his gut instinct and said it. And unlike the apology, he actually did say something he hadn't planned on saying._

_Heiwajima Shizuo was terrible for his brain._

_Shizuo stared at him, gaping for a few moments. Izaya knew it was his first confession; girls avoided him, for rather obvious reasons, and Shinra wasn't very good about keeping quiet that Izaya was the one giving him chocolates on holidays. Shizuo stammered a bit and looked away once Izaya turned and resumed cleaning. He was about to make a comment about how Shizuo should also get back to work if he wanted to stop by the milk store before it closed, but Shizuo cut him off with rushed words, a blush, and a slightly louder than normal voice._

_"Want to get some ramen after this?"_

_Izaya kept his face from showing any surprise as he looked over his shoulder, giving a smirk, nodding, thoroughly enjoying how red Shizuo's face was._

_"All right."_

**present.**

The memory brought a dry smile to his lips as he closed his eyes. It had taken Shizuo almost a year to say the words and Izaya didn't mind; he had always been better with actions than words and Izaya knew how Shizuo felt. Even if he never spoke, Izaya would know how he felt, just by the way he acted, by the way he looked at him.

But the first time he said the words, he'd mumbled them and Izaya teased him, asked 'what was that?' Shizuo had blushed harder and ended up yelling ' _I really like you!_ ' across a table of a rather fancy restaurant (finally allowing Izaya to choose somewhere to have dinner.)

It was very Shizuo-ish. Izaya even let a short laugh sound, although he coughed, throat hurting with the motion. His free hand reached up to massage his throat as he winced when a sudden thought struck him and made his blood run cold.

_…What if I forget Shizu-chan's voice?_

His breath hitched and he tried to recall that scene at the restaurant, tried to focus on Shizuo's voice, feeling horrified when as he tried to hear it again and again, it was becoming harder to recall.

_What if I forget his touch and smell? What if I forget his smile, what if I forget everything about him?_

_…That's going to happen to me too._

His face paled at the thought and he realized abruptly that he was short of breath. Swallowing thickly, he sighed and tilted his head back, resting it to the windowpane. He remembered that the first time Shizuo saw him sitting on the windowsill, the blond pulled up a chair and sat next to him, wrapped an arm around his waist and rested his head against his arm, comforting him just with his presence.

Shizuo wasn't here anymore.

_…Shizu-chan's not dead._

Gingerly, Izaya lifted the apple and took a bite.

_Shizu-chan's just… not around._

_But he's not gone._

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

_Shizu-chan's not dead._

* * *

Celty had only ever cared about Izaya because of Shinra and Shizuo, but she was genuinely worried and not because of either of the two men.

She was worried because she had never seen Orihara Izaya lose himself in a delusion this strong.

Weeks had passed before she decided to do something. She saw him occasionally when he came over to Shinra's, smiling and conversing as if his physical appearance hadn't deteriorated. He looked sickly and pale and it was evident that he wasn't eating or sleeping. He kept asking for files and the first time Shinra pointed out a mistake, Izaya had been silent for a good three seconds before waving it off, taking the file back and saying he'd be back in a few hours.

Holding a cup of tea, she was too lost in her thoughts to hear Izaya coming back. She only realized when she heard his voice, followed by 'you don't drink tea, do you?' in a dry but still teasing tone, accepting that she'd managed to find her way in without a key. He looked tired but managed a smirk as he looked at her. "Does Shinra know you're here?"

Hastily setting it down, she pulled out her PDA, message already typed.

_Come with me._

Izaya set down a bag that looked like groceries, but was probably a bag of rice and then beer. "Ah… you want to elope with me? Sorry, but Shinra—"

_I can help you reunite with Shizuo._

He stared at her, hesitating and she could see all traces of his joking nature disappear immediately. For a moment, she felt as though she saw his façade break; with her saying that, he had to admit to himself that Shizuo was gone and accept reality to be able to hear her proposal and process it.

_And,_ she added, _it doesn't involve you dying._

"Take me," he said immediately, so quickly that she wasn't sure if he even saw the words.

But of course he did.

She nodded and stood.

_Follow me._

Her command was succinct; it made it seem like she was confident and sure, but in reality, she was nervous beyond words could express. She hadn't even told Shinra about her plan.

If the woman had a heart, it would be racing in her chest. Izaya was silent the entire time but there was a new gleam in his eyes as he followed her to her motorcycle, accepted the helmet made of shadows and climbed on behind her. Since Shinra hardly rode with her, Celty immediately thought of the last person occupying that seat and something inside her ached, remembering it was Shizuo.

_This is the right thing._

Izaya hadn't asked a single question and she found it surprising that Orihara Izaya, who never fully trusted anyone, not even Shizuo, was so quiet as Celty led him to an unknown place doing something that seemed impossible. For all he knew, it could be necromancy.

But they weren't communicating with the dead. She wasn't going to bring Shizuo back and she wasn't sending Izaya to an underworld. In fact, she wasn't planning on doing _anything_ regarding death.

Izaya's hands weren't on her waist and she was grateful for that. But since she had no idea what he was using to keep himself steady, she tried to not make any turns too suddenly, yet went as quickly as she could on the main roads. He hadn't said a single word and if he could see her shadows emanating from her neck, the woman felt he'd recognize she was nervous.

Making one last turn, Celty parked her bike in the abandoned lot. The helmet that Izaya wore immediately dissipated into shadows and upon seeing his face, she was tapping at her PDA, holding it up.

_I know. It's not… what you think it is._

"Shinra's gotten to you, aa…?" Izaya asked, voice sounding tight as eyes were cold, staring at the gate of the cemetery Shizuo was buried in. Shinra had tried over and over again to have Izaya visit but if it wasn't an excuse, then he flat out refused. Sometimes a 'no' other times a 'that's ridiculous; Shizu-chan isn't there.'

There were times where even Izaya couldn't avoid reality.

_I promise, this isn't Shinra's idea. Shinra… doesn't even know._

Izaya gave her a wary look but nodded, figuring he may as well follow through if he'd already arrived. Celty nodded and held up her PDA again, 'one moment' on the screen and took a step back. Izaya raised an eye, watching shadows envelop her for a moment, revealing what he assumed to be normal attire for a Dullahan (because the black rider suit probably wasn't it.)

"…Ah."

She ignored his 'ah' and turned, leading the way up the steps. Izaya was silent; it was odd for him to be so agreeable (Izaya was at his most pleasant when completely silent) but Celty understood why: he would do anything short of dying to reunite with Shizuo again.

He followed silently and obediently until the stairs ended and they were in front of a shrine. Celty was still and Izaya was patient as he stood behind her, thin hands in his pockets. Whether or not he was aware of when they passed Shizuo, Celty wasn't sure, but she felt she saw bags that weren't there earlier in the day.

Reality tired him out.

_You're going to die,_ she explained, tapping it on her PDA and holding it up to him.

Izaya read it and nodded, acting as if it made sense.

"Explain," he said monotonously.

_I cannot bring back the dead. No one can. And I won't send you to the underworld. By saying you die, I mean another you will die._

He frowned as he read her message, but it didn't take long for his brows to unknit and he gave a slow sigh, as if calming himself. "…You're talking about sending me to another universe," he said slowly, looking up at her, eyeing the woman's shadows carefully.

_Yes. However, there is an Orihara Izaya in that universe. He will die so you can take his place without anyone realizing it. The corpse will then switch with you and you will, essentially, die in this universe. I will tell Shinra that you died. I can send you back to just before you meet Shizuo._

"And how am I supposed to make my grand re-entrance to life in this other universe?" he asked dryly, raising an eyebrow. "Do they just accept it?"

_You will die in an accident with no witnesses. You will wake up the morning right after the night of your supposed death._

"You can get the timing that accurately?"

_Yes._

"How so?"

_I don't know._

"Wonderful."

_This is the best I can do,_ she tapped, fingers moving a bit faster and louder to indicate her aggravation.

Izaya gave a sigh and mumbled something that sounded like an apology, but Celty wouldn't press him on it. Stilling and body turning towards the shrine, she faced it for several moments. Pale fingers clutched her PDA tightly; doing this behind Shinra's back felt awful, but something inside her wouldn't allow her to act as if there was nothing she could do. Seeing a miserable Izaya was a walking reminder of Shizuo and a miserable Izaya also entailed a worried Shinra.

Celty hoped that if Shinra found out, he wouldn't get angry and perceive it as her just simply getting rid of him.

"You're going to summon Labraid?"

She turned towards him, still before holding her PDA up. _Yes._

Izaya offered a tired smirk. "Have you done so before?"

_Yes._

"Are you able to ensure he won't just take my soul?"

_I can try._

"Aah… that's not very soothing… but," he added quickly, "it's the best you can do, I understand. Well, I'm fine with it. How will this happen? Do I speak to him?"

_No,_ she typed quickly. _Don't. You don't come in contact with him at all. If it goes well, you won't see him._

"Meaning if I do… I'm dead."

_Yes._

Izaya gave a hum and another nod. He turned around and Celty stiffened; she watched as the man walked back down ten or so steps and turned left, walked towards the fifth tombstone and bent down, reached a hand out to touch against the engraved characters.

_So he does know which one it is… of course._

"The things I do for Shizu-chan…" she heard before turning away, deciding to give some privacy. There was a lingering silence before she heard footsteps again, turning around only when they stopped. Izaya's expression seemed stern; it was much closer to the normal Izaya that she was used to, somehow more natural seeming than the forced-normal Izaya of the past few weeks.

_No one will know,_ she had typed out while he was at Shizuo's tomb. _However, if needed, I, the one in that universe, will believe you because I will still have the knowledge that this can be done. If you explain this to the me in that universe, she will believe you. As for Shinra… try not to tell him. Just… don't._

"Is there any way for me to come back?" he asked quietly.

_I'm afraid not. There is no you in this universe anymore to exchange places with and if you simply disappear from that one and reappear in this one, there could be chaos._

"Could I go to another universe? A third? There are an unlimited number of them, aren't they?"

She hesitated.

_Technically yes. But I wouldn't recommend it._

Izaya nodded, understanding. Disrupting time wasn't recommended and there really wasn't a reason for an explanation to be given.

"Then let's do it."

Celty stilled, facing him, and Izaya stared back for several moments, wondering at the awkward tension. Giving a sigh once he realized, he gingerly stepped forward and gave her a hug.

A hug for Orihara Izaya.

Hardly winning the lottery.

His frame was slight and his hug felt stiff. It made sense; he didn't have much practice in it and whenever she saw them together, Shizuo was the one hugging Izaya, not so much the other way around. Izaya didn't seem to quite hug back; he simply allowed himself to be hugged.

Patting his back awkwardly once she felt it was long enough, he pulled back and had the same emotionless expression.

_So… this is the last time I'll see you. You're absolutely sure? No regrets? Because you won't be able to come back. Not to this universe._

He nodded, mind flashing to Shizuo's tombstone just a few rows below him.

_I can't live in a universe where there isn't a Shizu-chan._

"Absolutely sure."

Celty pocketed her PDA and turned around, heading to the shrine. Izaya stayed where he was and watched as she approached the shrine. He wasn't an expert on Celtic mythology, but he did know quite a bit. Summoning a god of the underworld, however, wasn't exactly what he was researching. He was intrigued in seeing what would happen, although the pressing worry of seeing Labraid remained in the back of his mind.

Dying was his worst fear, but he didn't feel alive anymore.

It suddenly became deathly silent, Izaya noticed. He frowned a bit and looked around; the birds chirping had suddenly silenced and what little sun there had been was concealed entirely by ominous seeming clouds. He kept his feet planted firmly and eyes fell to Celty; shadows were spreading everywhere, both covering the ground and rising into the air. Izaya nearly moved when the ground under his feet became black but he kept still, continued to watch her.

He was feeling slightly lightheaded from anticipation and just when he was about to open his mouth and call out to her, there was a flash of white and a deafening noise. There was wind, howling in his ears, and he felt like he was floating; he seemed to have lost control of his limbs and couldn't breathe. Everything was bright and everything was cold—

And then everything was black.

**universe two.**

Izaya woke up.

Rather, he sat up and gasped for breath. He was disoriented but, after a quick pat down, was entirely there. As memories slowly filtered back to him, Izaya laid down gingerly and closed his eyes. His heart was still racing and an arm rested over his eyes as he took deep breaths, waiting for senses to return entirely.

_I'm alive… I'm alive, thank god, I'm alive…_

It took a few minutes for him to process that simple thought and organize the thoughts jumbled in his mind. His breathing was still heavy and as senses slowly returned to him, he heard Mairu's unmistakable high-pitched voice. There was a soft mumble that he knew belonged to Kururi and Izaya gave an annoyed sigh. It was just as much a nuisance as he remembered to wake up and be greeted by her shrieking.

Sitting up and waiting for his head to stop spinning, he stood and looked at himself in the mirror, feet moving a bit slowly. His clothes, the clothes he'd been wearing, were now baggier and he raised an eyebrow, tugging at his shirt.

_Not bad. My age matches the time… impressive._

His movements were a bit stilted from his sore body, but Izaya was glad that everything still felt familiar. He got dressed easily, even smirking to see his old black and red uniform, and found his ID, brought along everything he needed. Shinra had sent him annoying texts about not missing school and Izaya couldn't believe that he was going to go through high school _again._

But since it was his second time, he figured he had the liberty of skipping now and then.

Walking downstairs, Izaya easily fell into the normal routine of ignoring his sisters as he opened the refrigerator, finding rice to heat up as breakfast. Mairu and Kururi didn't' seem to notice him until he was reaching for the last banana, at which moment Mairu grabbed it, huffing and glaring at him, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"Iza-nii, you came home awfully late last night!"

_That's right… I supposedly "died."_

"Mhm," he hummed, taking the banana from her hand and ignoring her frown. "I hope you weren't awake."

"Where did Iza-nii go?" she pressed, getting off her chair and following him, little feet pattering on the hardwood floor of the kitchen. "Did Iza-nii go somewhere dangerous?"

"That's none of your concern."

_That's a good question._

"Iza-niiiii!"

Ignoring her, Izaya took a bite of the banana after peeling it, dumping the heated rice into a box upon realizing he wouldn't have time to eat it. He spotted the nanny their family had hired on the way out and nodded when he was greeted, zipping up his backpack as he left, instantly reverting back to his Raira self, knowing the way to school by heart still.

_Some things never change…_

It felt odd, to say the least. On one hand, he had been transported about nine years into the past, but habit and routine stuck. His old home was familiar and so was the route; although it felt foreign, the majority felt fine and he could easily re-adapt to this lifestyle. The only thing that truly was different was that he knew things from the future.

The boy that was already ditching class, Izaya would see him later working at a convenience store.

The girls in front of him, Izaya recognized them as some of his followers.

The group of boys he just passed, Izaya knew them from yakuza.

As long as he didn't let anything slip, he would be fine. Turning a corner, Izaya could see the school and he gave a sigh. From what he remembered of this day (and he happened to remember a lot, considering this was the day he met Shizuo,) he knew that Shinra would be waiting for him at the gates.

It was against Celty's wishes, but Izaya entertained the thought about telling him.

"Izaaayaaaa!"

Izaya quickly decided against it, seeing his stupid grin and extravagant wave. If he needed anything, he would just find this universe's Celty.

Nodding, Shinra hurried up to him with a bright smile. "You came!"

"Of course I did," he said.

"Hey, Izaya…"

Keeping his expression controlled, Izaya dealt with Shinra walking around him, stroking his chin in a faux pensive motion. Other students walked around him and Izaya gave a sigh. "Shinra…"

"You seem different," he said, hurrying to catch up with Izaya when he began walking. "Does this have to do with you going to the underpass last night?"

_Underpass… that does seem like somewhere I'd go._

"No," he said curtly. "You're imagining things. How's the wound?"

"In a few years, I bet Celty will find the scar really sexy!" Shinra said, brightening and Izaya gave a smirk; using Celty would always work in diverting Shinra's attention. "Actually, about that… see, I told Celty the truth. And so Celty doesn't want you coming over—"

"Introduce me to Heiwajima Shizuo today," Izaya said as they stepped into the school, navigating the halls with an ease that Shinra questioned how he was so familiar already, peering at him as he tried his best to keep up as Izaya snaked through the crowd. "I studied the map. Anyway, did you hear me?"

"Hah? O-oh… yeah, sure! But why the sudden interest?"

Izaya set his bag down in a seat and turned to Shinra, giving a very Orihara Izaya style smirk, saying 'he fascinates me' and leaving the room, ignoring Shinra calling after him, warning him that class would start soon.

He made his way through the swarm of students again until he found the staircase and quickly made his way up to them, footsteps echoing. _If I remember…_ he thought as he looked around, the second floor much emptier, _they should be around here somewhere…_

It was amazing how he remembered his old connections so easily. Just a week ago, they wouldn't have crossed his mind. But now that he needed them, names and faces and locations were brought to consciousness, as if by command. His footsteps continued to resound in the mostly empty hallways and Izaya was too busy looking at room numbers that he hadn't realized where he was until he looked to the sudden source of light, finding himself standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling glass windows, overlooking the entrance gate.

Blond hair was hard to miss.

His breath hitched and he was glad no one was there; Izaya hesitated before reprimanding himself mentally, swallowing thickly to collect himself. Stepping forward, he smirked with his hands in his pockets and saw Shizuo look up at him. He looked exactly as Izaya remembered him; there were bags under his eyes and a slight milk stain on the collar of his jacket. His brows knit upon seeing Izaya and held the gaze for a few moments before he broke it and continued walking.

Izaya felt an odd palpitation in his chest as he kept walking, searching for the room. He'd seen Shizuo again and it was completely unexpected—how did he forget that part of today?—and it terrified him. He felt shaken and had to take a moment to lean against the wall and catch his breath. The confidence he emanated with his smirk had completely disappeared and for a moment, he almost felt regret. The morning had felt like a dream—a very odd dream. _What was the term?_ he thought numbly. _Ah… that's right. Déjà vu…_

_But,_ he continued. _The alternative to this is living without Shizu-chan at all._

Izaya wasn't sure what Celty had envisioned upon sending him to this universe and a part of him was curious about it. Had she wanted them to be together again? Had she been naïve enough to wish for a happy ending and just provided them a second change? She was a fairy; maybe she honestly believed in fairy tales.

Although the idea sounded nice, Izaya wouldn't risk it.

Shizuo died _for_ him. Shizuo died saving _him_ from a robbery gone wrong. Even if he didn't go grocery shopping that day, Izaya was Izaya; he'd have people wanting him dead and if Shizuo loved him, he would sacrifice himself in every single universe for him. It was in his nature; like Shinra kept saying, Shizuo gave _everything_ and Izaya took _everything._

But the one thing he didn't want was Shizuo's life.

The only way to keep Shizuo was alive, Izaya decided, was to make him hate Izaya so much that he would want him dead.

Realizing that the room he'd been looking for was right in front of him, Izaya took a deep breath and stepped forward. Knuckles rapped against the door three times and he waited for a gruff 'come in' and was wearing his signature smirk.

It was almost too easy to slip back into the person he was before Shizuo began changing him.

"Orihara," one of the students said, looking up and greeted him. "What do you want?"

"Heiwajima Shizuo," Izaya said and closed the door behind him.

"Today. After school. I'll pay you to attack him on the sports field."

The five of them exchanged looks and the one who greeted him stood. A cigarette was held between his lips and Izaya watched it bob with his words, noticing that he hadn't shaven and his uniform was wrinkled and stained. "How many?"

"All of you. As many as you want. I'll pay every last person."

"For just one guy?" he asked, scoffing and a round of laughter rippled through the room as they exchanged looks. He heard 'is he serious?' and 'rich boy's got money to burn' but ignored them.

Izaya's smirk didn't waver.

"That's right. You up for it?"

The leader's crooked smirk eventually flattened upon watching Izaya and after regarding him for a few more moments, he nodded.

"…All right, then. Today, after school. Sports field. Heiwajima Shizuo."

"Izaya… why aren't you wearing the normal uniform?"

"Hmm? Ah… I just like this one better."

"You just want to stand out, don't you?"

"Now, why would you think that, Shinra?"

"Because I know you."

* * *

Giving a dry laugh, Izaya led the way to the sports field, finding a table to perch on. Shinra followed and both of their backpacks were left by his feet as he turned to the open space, blinking and still smiling. "…Izaya? What are we—"

"Just wait, Shinra."

It was quiet. It was almost too quiet; they were in the back of the school and since it was the start of the year, sports team meetings hadn't begun. The field was entirely unoccupied, thus justifying Shinra's confusion as to why they would be here.

The day had been relatively uneventful. Izaya had kept his mouth shut; he saw Shizuo but it seemed Shizuo didn't see him. The blond stuck out painfully obviously; some people gave him wary looks, recognizing him from confrontations that Izaya had no part in (meaning they were just stupid and pissed him off on their own.) He saw Shizuo talk to Kadota and Shinra, but he wasn't at lunch; Izaya figured he had to talk to a teacher or maybe it concerned Kasuka.

Seeing him alone in class and in the hallway, admittedly, made Izaya feel slightly guilty. After all, he still had a soft spot for the one he was in love with. More than once did he want to go up to him, but just remembering that he watched him get shot and die in front of his eyes kept him from doing so. _This is for his own good,_ he kept repeating to himself as he'd turn the other way and leave. _This is… this is for Shizu-chan's best interest._

He refused to answer Shinra's 'so why do you want to meet Shizuo?' Even now, when there was nothing else to talk about, Izaya remained silent, ignoring Shinra's bright chirping at his side.

His phone went off suddenly and a finger rose to Izaya's lips.

"Shinra. Shut up."

"He-!"

"You… goddamn… _BASTARDS…!"_

Shinra groaned but Izaya just smirked. As he expected, there was a loud crash and the sound of metal, a huge dust cloud. When it parted, the five boys who Izaya had been in contact earlier that day (and many more) were groaning, writhing on the ground and a sign landed a bit away. Shizuo stood in the middle of them; his back was to the two, panting heavily. The white shirt of his uniform (who knew where the blazer went) was dirty from the entire ordeal and blond hair slightly messy.

Izaya's clapping had Shizuo turning around.

"This is Orihara Izaya from my middle school," Shinra chirped. "Well, he's not that good a person… maybe I should say he's a horrible person."

Shinra's words hardly registered; Izaya was staring at Shizuo, just barely managing to keep his languid smirk on his lips, heart racing in his chest. He kept his face controlled, giving a short laugh at the introduction, closing his eyes.

"You're so mean, Shinra."

"No, no! I mean it in a good way!"

"You piss me off," Shizuo said immediately and Shinra looked at him in surprise.

One of Izaya's eyes opened, smirk still intact. "Oh? Too bad… I thought you and I could have some fun."

"Shut up."

"Don't be like that, Shizuo-kun." Shizuo's full name felt odd on his tongue. He'd only ever used it for serious situations.

His smirk widened again as he watched Shizuo growl and run towards him; it came to him naturally, the kinds of things to say that would piss off Shizuo. Dodging the punch easily, he teased a flick blade he prepared from his pocket, thumb pressed to the dull side and slashed across Shizuo's chest. He kept from reacting to the look of surprise and hurt that appeared briefly on Shizuo's face, jumping back.

Raising his arm level to his gaze, he narrowed his eyes and smirked.

"See?" he asked, bringing the blade next to his head, smirk more malicious, eyes glinting.

_It's nice to meet you again, Shizu-chan._

"It's fun, isn't it?"

_I missed you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huge, huge, huge thank you to jenn (loveandallthat78 on tumblr) for helping with all the time travel issues. and a thank you to everyone on tumblr who helped me with using celtic mythology to even bring about time travel, as well as my questions regarding izaya's uniform. thank you social media. and, finally, thank you for reading!


	4. ramen dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he began to eat again and was pleased that the ramen tasted much better now.

_**chapter four:** _ _ramen dates_

The underpass.

Hopping over a railing, Izaya's feet landed on the cracked concrete littered with graffiti and flattened pieces of chewed gum. Cars drove by over him and he felt a gust of wind as he stepped into the tunnel, eyes dropping. If he could, he would've asked someone about the events of the last night of his self in this universe, but, as Celty said, his supposed death left no witnesses.

_So… how did I die?_

Stopping short at a dark stain, Izaya used his phone's flashlight, illuminating the splotch. He frowned for a moment and dragged his foot across it, confirming that it was dry but still retained color. _Dark red… probably my blood. Looks relatively fresh…_

Sighing as he straightened and looked around with his hands in his pockets, Izaya's eyes narrowed as a frown grew. If no witnesses, he thought, then that would mean an accident. But judging by the location, it was highly improbable that he just started bleeding and died out of nowhere. Izaya gave a hum and decided to keep walking.

_Did Celty include the murderer… when she said "witness"? I should ask her…_

_Oh. I should_ _have asked her._

_Ah._

_That's unfortunate,_ he thought dryly. Closing his eyes and letting his head fall back, he gave a slow exhale through his nose. He had been too wrapped up in everything to think through it clearly; he should have specified and pressed the woman for more details about this.

_I was killed. There's no other explanation. No witnesses just means there was no one to see my murder except the murderer. Now I need to find out who it was and silence them…_

_Who would even kill a first year high school student?_

_Well, it was me… I suppose that isn't too surprising._

Continuing to walk, Izaya gave a sigh again and ran his hand through his hair. It hadn't even been twelve hours and this life was already different, entirely so, forcing him to adapt quickly to avoid any suspicion. Shizuo hated him; Izaya couldn't forget that look and the feeling of his knife slicing into Shizuo's flesh was still at his fingertips. It was terrifying how natural it had all felt; with the events happening so rapidly, he hadn't had time to think, and every movement, every word was said out of reflex.

He couldn't believe he could so easily say things like that to the person he was in love with.

_Shinra was wrong about me becoming soft,_ he thought with a slight smirk. _Seems as if I just got better at hiding it._

Seeing Shizuo had something well in him but he immediately suppressed it. He had a feeling that he'd react that way; it would only be natural, as he was seeing his supposedly dead lover. But he had to remember he left everything to give Shizuo a second change; _just_ Shizuo, not them.

_I don't need a second chance,_ he thought, fingers curling around a rusting handrail and hopping over it, feed landing in overgrown grass and began walking up the slope. _I'm still alive. Shizu-chan's the one who dies…_

His stomach lurched at the thought.

_…Shizu-chan can't die. Not again. I'll make sure he doesn't._

Reaching the top, Izaya put his hands in his pockets again and looked around. Easy to climb, he noted, and there was a river just to his left. Easy way to dispose of the murder weapon, which he assumed was a knife. He doubted it was a gun; as he was a first year in high school at the time of his death, Izaya decided the one who killed him was most probably someone young, someone that wouldn't have access to a gun. Though he was willing to bet that it wasn't a law-abiding citizen who shed his blood, he would be rather surprised if a teenager had gotten a gun just to kill him.

Izaya even smirked a little. _Well… that's rather flattering, to go through all that trouble to kill a fifteen year old._

Making his way back to the sidewalk, deciding to head home, Izaya mulled over his new age. He was a teenager again; back to when he'd just started high school, often standing on the line between good and bad. Ultimately, Shizuo kept him from crossing over while Shinra was the reason he had stepped onto that line in the first place.

Kadota was more or less a positive influence. Nakura clearly wasn't—

Eyes darkened for a moment, but he was quick to look neutral before anyone took notice. The name brought only the memory of guns and bullets to his mind and he quickly erased them, giving a slow sigh, remembering the promise he'd made to Shinra in middle school.

_Don't worry, Shinra. I'll definitely keep my word._

Turning a corner, Izaya recognized that if he kept walking, he'd be in Ginza. He stilled before turning over the other way; he didn't really feel like walking amongst tourists and the more affluent citizens in Tokyo. Fifteen, he kept thinking. Fifteen meant absent parents and taking care of his sisters. Fifteen meant competing with Shinra for the title of number one in classes. Fifteen meant…

_…I'm a virgin again…_

The thought quirked a corner of Izaya's lips in an amused fashion. _I've never considered re-virginizing myself but, ahh… this is one way to go about it._

_Probably won't be with Shizu-chan… unless… no, Shizu-chan would never do it with someone he wasn't dating. Shizu-chan's very romantic and traditional about things like that… ah, he didn't even kiss anyone before me. Made sense, though._

They had been eighteen, Izaya remembered clearly. The night of their graduation ceremony, Izaya had brought a six cans of beer over to Shizuo's, told him that even if he hated the taste, he could at least drink one can, if only for celebratory purposes. Shizuo had given in and when the blond leaned over and began kissing him, Izaya had pulled back and given him a bottle of water to drink to ensure sobriety before making sure that Shizuo didn't have any doubts.

Izaya didn't care about it, but he cared about Shizuo, who he knew cared a lot about giving his virginity to the "right" person.

_Maybe this time I'll lose it before then,_ he thought, turning down a familiar street, feet carrying him over cracked and uneven pavement. _I spent all my time with Shizu-chan… I won't have that kind of constraint this time. Won't that be fun?_

Izaya had a long ways to go before he'd begin believing his own lies. Shizuo had been anything but a constraint.

Clicking his tongue, Izaya had arrived where he'd been heading, glancing up and seeing the familiar sign. Head ducking, the cloth panels brushed against his hair again as he stepped into the familiar restaurant, nodding at the warm welcome. He took a seat on the bench and laid down napkins to avoid touching the sleeves of his uniform to the sticky countertops. He still remembered his order, but looked over the menu anyway. He scanned the rest of the bar quickly afterwards, not sure if he was disappointed or relieved to not see Shizuo.

_Guess Shizu-chan doesn't get ramen everyday…_

"The usual," he said and hesitated, murmuring 'sorry, I mean the original' instead. _Ah… forgot. They wouldn't have my order memorized yet._

**past.**

_"Orihara-kun!"_

_Izaya had lost count the number of times he stopped by after class. There were times he came with Shizuo but the two were still acquaintances; one date hadn't changed everything and Shizuo almost always had some sort of after school punishment. He'd taken a liking to this small restaurant; it felt homey and comfortable, a much more relaxing atmosphere than the places he usually went to. His home was cold and distant; there were a total of four people most of the time, including himself, in the structure. Two were related to him but acted like they weren't (noticing him only when they needed something) and, to Izaya, the nanny was just the woman that cooked and cleaned. His parents were hardly home and, if they were, it usually wasn't both of them at once and not for too long._

_It was lonely. He got used to it, but it was still lonely._

_Taking a sip of his water, Izaya's eyes looked around again, taking in the surroundings a bit more properly. Slightly faded wallpaper, rips in the bar seats, glossy countertops that were sticky, frayed cloth panels, the sound of cooking, humidity, people yelling, people talking, people existing._

_People existing._

_There were times where Izaya was surrounded by people and felt like an outcast and there were times where Izaya was surrounded by people and felt ingrained. And, for some reason, in this small ramen shop, he didn't have a personal relationship with anyone (except maybe the head chef who knew his face and name by now) but he felt like he blended in; he was just another customer. And if he was more than that, then he was one of the regulars._

_Still nothing special._

_On one hand, that was slightly comforting to his loneliness._

_On the other hand, it terrified him to be absolutely ordinary, nothing special. To blend in so easily, to be nothing remarkable, not at all._

_To be like everyone else._

_To have all the human fallacies, all the fears, all the basic innate desires that drove their behavior. To be predictable and to be boring._

_"Enjoy! …Are you feeling all right today, Orihara-kun?"_

_He realized that his grip had been tightening on the plastic cup of water, causing it to crinkle. Immediately, he relaxed his hand and set it down. "Thank you. I am," he added as both hands reached up to take the bowl and set it down in front of him. Chopsticks were picked up and split apart, rubbed against each other to rid them of splinters before he began eating._

_The taste wasn't as rich as it usually was and he wondered if he always found the broth so oily. Izaya was careful to keep his expression neutral, knowing he'd be questioned if he showed any displeasure and didn't quite feel like talking. He ate slowly; he blew on every bite several times until it was nearly entirely cool, careful to not slurp and get his uniform dirty._

_Eyes skimmed the vicinity to keep himself occupied as he ate, hoping it would take his mind off of the taste._

_The man who sat next to him with a hunched back and stirring his ramen more than eating it: obviously a bad day at work._

_The woman who kept glancing at the door and playing with her necklace and fidgeting: nervously waiting for someone. And judging by the tan on her finger where a ring would have been, probably a date. An affair? Or divorced?_

_The teenager who kept glancing up and shifting: Izaya wondered if there was anything of value in here worth stealing._

_Izaya had always noticed people._

_Starting in middle school, he had noticed them and spent his free time watching, just observing. He had been a straight-A, model student and was quiet. He kept to himself but was never particularly lonely; somehow, he felt fine, just spending free time watching his classmates. He learned to read people and pick up on body language, predict what they were going to do. It got somewhat boring when he was able to predict everything, and so he craved those moments where something happened that he didn't expect. Small sparks of interest._

_And then he noticed Shinra._

_He noticed Shinra, the boy who seemed to be uninterested in what was going on around him. He seemed detached and Izaya wondered about that, how he could be so detached. When Shinra asked him to help out with the biology club, Izaya saw it as a chance to get to know him a little better._

_The strange boy who was detached from humans._

_The strange boy who Izaya was jealous of._

_"…Izaya?"_

_Lips pursed in blowing still, Izaya looked up to see Shizuo. It seemed to have started drizzling, judging by damp blond hair and the shoulders of Shizuo's blue blazer darker than usual. They stared at each other for a few moments before the blond took a seat two away from Izaya, hesitating and moving to the one right next to him after a moment. He was greeted with an enthusiastic 'Shizuo-kun!' that he nodded a bit awkwardly at, repeating the action when asked 'the regular?'_

_Izaya wondered, sometimes, if his interest in humans would've taken a turn if he hadn't befriended Shizuo. Something about Shizuo caught his attention; he was different and he was interesting. He was enough for Izaya to focus on._

_He made Izaya feel safe._

_He made him feel like he wasn't lonely._

_Izaya didn't like the idea of being dependent and needing people but if he had to choose one person to admit that he leaned on, it would be Shizuo._

_"Shizu-chan wants ramen too?" Izaya murmured with a slight smirk. "Finished your detention?"_

_"Aah… yeah. Teacher had to get home for something so let me off early," Shizuo said. Izaya watched as he shrugged off his jacket and stared at it for a bit before standing and hanging it on one of the hooks on the wall behind him. "You?"_

_"Just felt like having something warm."_

_Shizuo gave a nod and sat next to him again. They conversed for a few more minutes until Shizuo's food was ready and he instantly fell silent, answering in grunts until Izaya stopped posing questions, simply watching in amusement as he seemed to be inhaling his ramen._

_Shizuo, Izaya thought, was extremely emotional. He was short tempered, he was rash, he was violent, he seemed to make no sense. He stood out from everyone and there were times that Izaya wondered if Heiwajima Shizuo was really human._

_Or maybe he was so in tune with his emotions that he was more human than anyone else._

_Izaya hummed, shaking his head when Shizuo stared at him, strands still hanging from his closed mouth before he slurped them up._

Maybe that's why I like Shizu-chan so much.

_He began to eat again and was pleased that the ramen tasted much better now._

**present.**

_Wonder what else is different…?_

Sighing as he waited, Izaya's fingers weaved together, creating a surface for his chin to rest on.

_Let's see… well, to start off, Shizu-chan hates me. I'm a virgin again. My relationship with Shinra will probably be the same… I've already reestablished some connections. I could go to classes more often… I probably won't. Celty… will probably dislike me more. I won't have to be as law-abiding as Shizu-chan would want…_

_This could be fun._

Izaya gave a sigh and his eyes closed. And for a moment, a crease worried his brow, but he was quick to let it pass.

_…This will be fun._

_I'll make it fun._

Making Shizuo hate him, Izaya already knew, was _theoretically_ easy, given his personality and his knowledge of Shizuo, knowing he hated his temper, his violence. All he had to do was set the path, pay off some people, give a small nudge and Shizuo would undoubtedly explode.

Shizuo hated a lot of things and almost everything was what Izaya naturally had in his personality. Thinking more on that, it seemed to be a miracle they had become friends. Izaya supposed he had been halfway-decent and Shizuo accepted halfway-decent.

Shizuo deserved better than him, and almost everyone thought so, except the man himself. Heiwajima Shizuo had self-esteem lower than dirt, thought lowly of himself, probably thought he was _lucky_ that someone showed interest in him, much less _Orihara Izaya_ himself. But what Shizuo couldn't see through his rose-colored view of Izaya was that Orihara Izaya was not a good person; he could be argued a "sometimes tolerable under the right circumstances if befriending you helped him" person, but not a good person. Not the kind of person deserving of Shizuo.

_I want to save him._

Red eyes flickered open when he heard 'here's your food' and murmured 'thank you.' Familiar chopsticks were split apart and he mixed everything together, watching as broth enveloped the bean sprouts and bamboo shoots. Shizuo had a tendency to leave those behind. Izaya, on the other hand, usually finished all the vegetables, leaving the meat (which Shizuo would then reach over and eat for himself.)

Another example of their polar differences.

_I want to save Shizu-chan._

_I will save Shizu-chan._

_I have to save Shizu-chan._

Shinra had once told Izaya, in his blunt and insulting and lighthearted way, that he had a very addictive, very obsessive, very controlling personality. Izaya had brushed it off and changed the subject; he tended to dance around things that would shift the conversation onto himself. And with Shinra, changing the topic was easy; all he had to do was mention the Dullahan and Shinra would forget what they were talking about immediately.

It was easy for him to get obsessed with something. But at the same time, it had to be rather remarkable to get his attention and keep it.

There were people he played games with.

There were people that he played with.

Shizuo was clearly in the second category this time.

Once he finished his meal and paid, Izaya gave a curt nod to the owner. The walk home was a slow amble; he was in no particular rush. It felt odd to be walking back home along such a familiar path that felt foreign. He felt little nostalgia; everything felt relatively robotic.

Everything except Shizuo, but he was working on that.

Giving a sigh, Izaya turned the corner and his pace slowed even more to enjoy the nice weather. The sun was blinding and all he could think about was how Shizuo would complain about it being "so goddamn high up in the fuckin' sky" and "why can't it hide behind a cloud or some shit?" Commentary that made no sense. Commentary that only Shizuo would come up with.

There had been several times in the relationship where Izaya had wondered if it was what he wanted. Stability. Companionship. Trust. Loyalty. Faithfulness.

Izaya had never been unfaithful, but it would be a lie to say the thought had never crossed his mind. His feelings for Shizuo had never wavered, but he did grow _bored_. He did anything to keep him entertained (without letting Shizuo know,) like finding the information for Shinra's clients. Orihara Izaya wasn't meant for a mundane life; not every model student was set for academic greatness and a stable future in medicine or law. It certainly wasn't what Izaya had wanted.

Everything felt so _ordinary_. In fact, the most exciting thing had been the way that he could feel nauseous sometimes from looking at Shizuo; he hated to use the word _love_ but what he felt for Shizuo was so strong that it felt like a whirlwind inside of him. It was like it was obsessive and bordered on twisted and unhealthy; they were happy and they were together, but those feelings felt so _strong_ that they couldn't possibly be _just_ love.

Something stronger than _just love_.

Something much closer to pure _passion._

Izaya nearly missed his house. Frowning a bit and backtracking, he rummaged through his pocket for his key.

_Thought about Shizu-chan so much I nearly missed my own home… aah, I think about him too much._

_Maybe I am obsessive._

His backpack was dropped in his room, the first place he went to after locking the door. A quick survey of the house afterwards when he came back downstairs made it apparent that no one else was there, something he didn't mind all too much. He stopped by the kitchen for a red apple and went over to the living room, sitting down in a love seat and letting his knees bend over the armrest.

One arm folded behind his head as he leaned back, looking up at the ceiling. The sharp crunch of the apple almost echoed in the empty house. Izaya could hear the ticking of the clock and suddenly he was at a loss for what he normally even did after school. Surely it wasn't this; he would've gone crazy with all this free time.

He blinked.

_…That's right. I'd hang out with Shizu-chan._

Giving an annoyed sigh, he frowned as he took a second bite. Their friendship had been slow to start, but Izaya was persistent; he'd find Shizuo frequently after school and tag along if he wasn't going directly home. Shinra called him a leech. Izaya told him it was his fault to begin with.

Almost groaning, Izaya finished his apple after a few moments and sat up, tossing it in a perfect arch to the nearest trashcan. He reached for a tissue to clean his fingers before reclining again, closing his eyes.

"Bored…" he mumbled. "Bored, bored, bored, I'm so bored, I'm so bored, I'm so bored, I'm so-!"

His voice was cut off when he heard the doorbell ring, relieved for something to do. Swinging his legs off the armrest, he stood and crossed the distance to the entrance area. He wondered briefly who it could be, but the list was short. It wasn't as if Mairu and Kururi had friends and the Oriharas in general didn't have many acquaintances. Izaya hoped that none of _his_ acquaintances had found his home address. That would be terrible.

One hand in his pocket, the other wrapped around the cool knob and turned it, letting it swing open. Half lidded eyes widened and fingers dug deeper into his pocket before remembering he'd taken off his blazer in his room. _Shit… my knife…_

"Uh. Hi."

"Shizu-chan," he managed, giving a smooth smirk. "Ahh… what brings you here?"

He was leaning against the frame, having folded his arms over his chest after giving a nonchalant shrug. Shizuo stood a bit away from the door; he was on the edge of the balcony and looked annoyed. Izaya's eyes glanced over him, took in his slouching shoulders and a milk stain on his collar. His brow was creased and he was doing the pouting thing he did when he was annoyed; Izaya nearly gave a smirk at that, finding some comfort in the fact that even though everything was different, at least Shizuo was still the same.

It was torture.

"Shut it," he mumbled and raised a hand, ruffling his hair in a very Shizuo-ish fashion. He shifted a bit and cleared his throat, obviously trying to buy time. "…Shinra sent me here."

_…Shinra, again. Even when he has no clue, he's making my life difficult._

Izaya was frowning slightly, a microscopic movement that Shizuo, annoyingly, picked up on and questioned him. Shaking his head, he gave a smirk again. "So what is it that Shizu-chan wants?"

"…Told me to apologize. Said that would help and he didn't want his only two friends to hate each other," he mumbled and gave a halfhearted shrug.

_…Shinra's a liar. Moron…_

"For what?" Izaya asked, deciding to prolong the other male's suffering.

_But at least I can have some fun…_

He shifted to be more comfortable, temple touching to the doorframe. His first instinct had been to ask Shizuo in, but he caught himself before he voiced the words. Izaya was annoyed at how much instinct had rule over him; after years of being Shizuo's lover, he was finding it harder than he had thought to essentially go back to being strangers. And, he wondered, if he could hardly do this, he wondered how he would make Shizuo hate him and want to stay away from him.

Or if Izaya could stay away from Shizuo.

Shizuo mumbled something under his breath and Izaya smirked. "What's that, Shizu-chan? Sorry, sorry. Didn't hear!"

Smirk widening to hear him swear, Izaya waited patiently as Shizuo scuffed his shoe against the ground. "I'mfuckin'sorryfortryingtokillyou!"

**past.**

_"Sorry."_

_Looking up, Izaya's eyebrow arched gracefully to see a plastic bag set in front of him on their kitchen table, broken pieces of china in it. Izaya used his pencil to poke at it for a moment before slowly looking up. "…Indeed, Shizu-chan, as most presents are given as an entirety. Not as smithereens."_

_"Not that," Shizuo mumbled, looking away and rubbing his nose with a finger. "…Broke your favorite mug. I was tryin' to reach my own behind it and it just fell."_

_"Ah…"_

_Sighing, Izaya straightened. The newspaper and pencil were put down in favor of opening the bag and peering in. Sure enough, he saw the remnants of a black mug that wasn't anything particularly special, but he'd decided as his favorite a few years back. He reached in and picked up a piece carefully, observing the jagged edges. "Beyond repair, hm?"_

_"Yeah… uh, I know it's not the same, but…"_

_Another item was set on the table, this time a box. Izaya stared at it, hearing 'hurry up and open it.' He gave a smirk at Shizuo's impatience but nodded, murmuring 'this is why I don't like Shizu-chan see his Christmas presents until the morning of the twent- fifth.'_

_The lid was opened and Izaya saw another cup in bubble wrap. It was better quality than the first; it didn't have any chips or coffee stains, a matte black color. It was similar to his old one except a bit taller and bigger. He weighed it in his hands and observed it, looking back up after a few moments. "…Is this to replace it?"_

_"I have no idea where you got the first one, but I tried to replace it," Shizuo shrugged. "…Hope it's all right. I mean, if you don't like it, I'll go buy another one. Just tell me where you got it from."_

_"There's no need for that."_

_Giving a wry smirk, Izaya stood. Shizuo blinked in surprise when he rose to his toes and pressed a dry kiss to the corner of the bodyguard's lips._

_"…Hah?"_

_"Brand doesn't matter. The first was special because it was Shizu-chan's first birthday present to me."_

**present.**

Shizuo's apologies were either awkward or rushed. Most of the time they were awkward, said with a hand through his hair and slight blush. Shizuo wasn't very elegant at apologies (neither was Izaya, one of the few similarities between them.) But his rushed apologies were more embarrassed; he wanted to get them over with as soon as possible and they also were sometimes followed by a violent outburst.

But stilted or hurried, his apologies were always genuine.

Heiwajima Shizuo was a genuine person.

Izaya hadn't realized he was smirking until Shizuo barked it at him. He'd been remembering one of the times Shizuo had apologized; he had always thought Shizuo apologized for stupid things. He apologized for finishing the leftover rice, he apologized for leaving the AC on too low, he apologized for eating the last piece of fish while still chewing it. Shizuo seemed to hand out his apologies freely, a nice reverse of Izaya, who was more than stingy with his own.

"Ah, nothing… it's just odd for Shizu-chan to apologize to me for that. If Shizu-chan meant it, shouldn't he have not tried to punch me?" Izaya answered, smirk widening to watch Shizuo's scowl deepen.

"Shut up! Shinra told me to come over and apologize!"

"So why isn't Shizu-chan saying he doesn't actually mean it?"

The Shizuo who he'd grow up to be in love with and the high school Shizuo really held many of the same traits; one major difference was that older Shizuo had better control of his temper. This Shizuo, Izaya knew, was capable of destroying his house if he didn't choose his words carefully. And then he'd probably apologize to his parents for uprooting their entire front porch.

Izaya enjoyed the way Shizuo's mouth opened but nothing came out; instead, he just looked more and more annoyed. He knew it; even if he didn't say it, Shizuo meant the apology. Shizuo had always been that sort of person.

He felt an ache between his ribs and berated himself for it.

_Shizu-chan made me weak…_

Straightening and keeping his arms crossed, Izaya gave a languid shrug. "Anyway, Shizu-chan can apologize all he wants. But, tell me, why _did_ you punch me?"

"…Had a bad feeling," Shizuo mumbled through grit teeth.

Izaya cocked his head.

"…That's hardly a good enough reason to swing Shizu-chan's monstrously strong fist around…"

Shizuo was getting angry and Izaya took a step back. He reached a hand out and pressed it to the door, keeping the same easy smile. A vibration from his phone drew his attention and decided to cut the conversation off, even if seeing Shizuo probably was the highlight of his day. "Ah, is that it? Now, if Shizu-chan's done wasting my time…"

Just before he closed the door, he saw Shizuo looked surprised, a certain flicker of hurt pass through his features. The door slammed shut before Izaya could even think to reconsider. Despite everything, the one thing that still left him weak at the knees was Shizuo looking hurt. Somehow, Izaya could stand everyone else looking at him that way; the guilt hardly bothered him.

But when Shizuo looked at him like that, Izaya felt like he'd _betrayed_ him. It had to be because of their relationship. It had to be because of that attachment that made Izaya feel awful, actually feel the desire to open the door and not necessarily apologize but say something. And then Izaya would feel disgusted that he'd want to do that.

Shizuo had really, _really_ destroyed him in some ways.

_That's right,_ he thought and turned, pushing the thought from his head as he took his phone out to check it. _Shizu-chan changed me. Shizu-chan ruined me. If anything, this is a second chance to really be who I am. That's a good thing, isn't it?_

_I wasn't really happy, anyway. I had Shizu-chan, but everything else was awful. It was so mundane. It was so easy and predictable; nothing exciting ever happened in Ikebukuro._

_I can change that. I could change that now._

_Shizu-chan ruined me._

_Not being with Shizu-chan is the best thing that could happen to me._

_It will be the best thing that's ever happened to me._

A lie became the truth only when he believed it. Truth was truth because it was recalled from memory; a lie depended on it being drawn from the imagination. Once Izaya could begin to draw that statement from a place where he genuinely believed it, he would be all right.

_Heiwajima Shizuo ruined me._

_I should hate him._

_I do hate him._

_I hate Shizu-chan._

_I hate him more than anything._

Unable to stop himself, a fist swung out and connected with the wall. Izaya was glad no one was home; it would be hard to explain to a nanny why he'd suddenly lost his temper like that. The dull ache was oddly comforting and Izaya could feel his heart rate begin to subside. Taking a deep breath and shaking his hand out, Izaya swallowed and checked the message on his phone.

_I don't need Shizu-chan._

_I can be myself now._

Stopping just short of entering his door, Izaya's eyes widened and a malicious sort of grin slowly tugged at his lips.

_I can be myself now,_ he echoed, pocketing his phone after replying to the message.

_Excellent._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a little bit longer than anticipated, hahah, sorry about that. thank you for reading, kudos and comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> please ignore the chapter title. i've always been terrible at titling. thank you for reading!


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